How to change gift exchange budget w/ family

[leefamily23]

8 years ago when my sister only had 1 child and I only had 1 (I still only have 1), we would do spend about $150 for the kids each. We could afford it and the families were small.

 

Through the years we've kept it up, even though some years it's been really tight. Now she's had a 3rd child this year and it's really going to be even harder. She and her husband are doing really well financially right now and her kids honestly don't need anything. However, she is not going to take it well that I want to drastically reduce how much we spend per child. I am not trying to say well, even is even. We do okay but in reality Christmas is always a little tight for us, though we make it work and don't charge anything. The thing is I will be looking at $450 for her kids and she'd be looking at $150 for mine.

 

I just cannot do the $450 for her family just her kids this year. I really want to drop it down closer to $30 per kid. I just am not sure how well that is going to go over. When her SIL got divorced a few years ago and dropped the price on the gifts she gave down drastically, my sister was pretty petty about it.

 

Then a few years ago when I stopped going over the top w/ the amount for birthday gifts for my sister and her husband she was angry about it.

 

Therefore, what sucessful tactics has anyone else used to broach this subject and not create a rift?

[totallyBF]

i think 150 per kid is a lot!!

 

but you know what you should do is 60 each kid.

i think its reasonable.

you have 1 kid

and she has 3 kids!!

come on now

your sister cannot be that greedy and if she is you need to tell her hey times are tough and i cant afford 450.00 for just your kids

 

im sure you have other family members

 

and if she doesnt listen tell her the truth shes got more kids than you do and thats ridiculous!!

 

hope all goes well! :)

[totallyBF]

i also have the same situation with my sister in law but the thing with my sil and my niece is that i buy her toys all year long all the time and she has never ever given me anything for my child i recently told her to shut it and im not going to purchase my niece some 50.00 ugg boots because she says i can afford it. and she cannot she is the the one who is married to my brother who owns business and i am single mother with 1 child.

she got upset with me and i told her i am not going purchase things for her anymore and she had the nerve to tell me what have you bought my daughter and i told her and she didnt say not one word! so its was done i understand its better to give than recieve but my sil was passing the line and i told her.

 

it all depends your relationship with your sister.

[alseedus]

She sounds petty and self-centered, and there isn't much you can do about that.. sorry to say. I say think out what you want to spend and how you want to say it. Maybe write a nice card to take the edge off the anxiety of an in-person confrontation if your that worried. But I would mention that when you made the agreement, you were both smaller families and it seemed reasonable then. But now that years have passed and her family has grown considerably, you aren't able to afford the same amount. Your situation is more that you can't afford it, but if it were just a "fairness" issue I'd say that if you spend $450 total on her kids, she can spend that same amount on your one kid- just make it $150 in gifts and put the other amount in a college account or something.

 

But yeah, it sounds like you know how she is going to respond even if you have a strong point and a reasonable way of communicating it to her. Just be ready for the crap-storm and how you will deal with it, because it sounds like you know it would be coming:( Sorry you have to deal with this.

[doublehsmom]

I am sorry that you have to go threw this we only have 1 niece and we have 3 kids so I told dh that we needed to spend a little more on her because he has 3 kids to buy for and we only have one. We were going more on her this year anyway because her parents "don't have money" but spend it on STUPID stuff and only spend 30 on their child for the entire x mas, I know that some people do only spend that amount, and some people can't really afford it that is fine. But his brother and his gf spend 100's on stickers for their truck or make it louder just stupid things and it makes me sad that they say they can't afford it when if they would just budget they could. I love the idea that someone posted about just going 60 on each of her kids and then you don't have to say much because thats what he spends on your kids, I know that its gunna be hard and good luck!

[peppysfireball]

I am totally shocked that relatives would spend this much.30 is more than adequate. My mother spends that on grandchildren. It's really not appropriate in my opinion to spend that on nieces and nephews. I usually spend 15 or 20 on mine and I don't have that many. My sister says every year we should draw names. When they come of age, I don't buy for them at all. Only the children are bought for. A lot of people spend less than that on their own children. I try to keep my own children around 2-300, but only have one left at home and I spend more on him. My grandchildren I try to buy about 6 presents for, but I bargain shop and get really nice deals so it's not as much money.

[momof3luvs1]

This comes up every year. It is a very tricky subject. I have 3 kids and my brother and sister each only have 1. I spend around 100-150 for my niece and nephew but I make it very clear to my brother and sister to not spend that per child of mine because it would be to much for them. My sister doesnt have alot of money so I still spend that much on my niece and only ask her to buy a 10-20 gift for each of mine. It is not about the dollar per dollar for me. ( plus I buy my kids ALOT of gifts so they know not to get upset if they have less then their cousins)

With that said though, if you have a family that doesnt get alot of gifts you have to think of the childs point of view..if your kid gets a nintendo wii and then they only got a a 50 dollar gift like a doll they might be upset by this and they dont understand money yet. Its a very sensitive topic. So I would talk with your sister and see if maybe u could do a 50 limit per kid. You would still be spending more but then each kid would get the same sort of gift and noone would get upset, maybe your sister would be ok with that?

So I guess my advice is to just talk honestly with her and see what works for both of you and the kids.

[Elmck]

Our family seems to change every year. This year I have my first grandson and 1 new nephew (both will actually turn 1 just before Christmas) Kids have been getting married and that means extra gifts to buy as well. Plus I still have the 7 year old. This year everybody is buying for the babys but they set their own budgets for that. Everyone else draws names and we set a limit for that of $25-$35 for a gift. I buy for everyone. Anyway figure your budget and tell your sister. Make sure you tell her before she starts buying gifts. Make sure she understands that you want her to cut back on her spending as well. I would think she would be happy to have the extra to spend on her own children.

[AndreaInNC]

wow - that's alot of money for gifts that aren't for YOUR kids! But I understand where you are coming from - my sister has 4 kids and I have 2.

 

I wouldn't mention anything about not spending as much money on them as you have in the past - I would just do it.

 

And if she says anything to you on Christmas day, I would gently remind her that the reason for the celebration is not to give gifts - but to rejoice that our saviour was born that day.

[Kibit13]

Since she is spending $150 in gifts then you should also spend $150 in gifts. Total amount, not per child. This way you are both spending the same amount of money.

 

My husband and I do not have children. His two brothers do. One has 3 and the other 1. Christmas can get quite expensive for us, buying for them. We buy for his middle brother and his wife and their three children and we buy for his youngest brother and his wife and their son. We receive a gift from his youngest brother (BB $25 GC) and we do not receive anything from his middle brother. They will say "thanks" to my husband, but I never hear from them. I enjoy giving gifts, I'm just not sure that they are appreciated. I don't give gifts to get gifts, but it would be nice to get a Christmas card or a picture of the family.

 

I have talked to DH about just buying for the kids and he still wants to get gifts for his brothers and their wives. I understand what you mean about having to spend more because the other person's family is larger than yours. It can be a sticly situation. You should try to talk to her as soon as possible so she knows what to expect on Christmas day.

 

Good luck!

[leefamily23]

Thank you for all the responses. Unfortunately I will be sticking to my $25 per child limit. That is all I can afford this year. This is probably the tightest year we've had in a long, long time. I am going to tell her though, even if she gets mad because I feel that is the fair thing to do. I don't want her to go out and spend the full amount on my son and then only show up w/ one gift each for her kids.

 

I am thinking of bringing it up Thanksgiving since that will probably be the next time I see her. She can't get mad then right??

[redraccoon]

Heck, I'd flat out tell the family - we are planning on cutting back this year for the holidays. Its none of their business why, but if there is any question "the economy" is certainly reason enough.

 

In the case of your sister you can tell her that you are planning on getting little Jimmie, Susie, and Bobbie subscriptions to good kids magazines (reading, the gift that keeps giving)...

and let her deal with it. If she wants to be a snot about it too bad for her.

[Kibit13]

I was just thinking about your situation. Are you able to shop and buy gifts so that the original retail amount equals $150, but you have only spent $30-$50 per child?

 

You should not have to do this, but if you are concerned that she will not agree or that approaching her about spending less will cause problems between you two. I have found some great deals at Marshals, TJ Maxx, Ross, Target and even consignment shops. This way may be less stressful then dealing with your sister especially since she hasn't been agreeable in the past with gift amount changes and is definitely less stressful then spending $150 per child.

 

I found a great tutu for my niece that was originally $30+ for $5 and I picked up a onesie in the same color for $3.99. I picked this up at Marshalls. Cute $35+ gift for $8.99. If I didn't shop this way I wouldn't be able to get such fun gifts for my niece and nephews. Target had a bunch of clothes at 50% in the infant/toddler section and some in the older child section too. You may be able to find some movies for them during Black Friday and a few toys too. Gymboree will have some good deals for Black Friday too. Last year they had fleece jackets for $8 I believe and coats for about $15. $50 coats for $15!

 

Just an idea. Good luck!

[nnmfam]

Just reading this makes me mad . I have a sister in law who called last year anda sked my husband if she could come get her kids gifts and if I was cooking. I had a cancerous tumor removed 3 days before so no I was not cooking. I had also been very ill since the begining of Nevember had lost 22lbs from vomiting and weighed 84 lbs. Of course she had nothing for anyone else and eric had told her to take a hike she never offered us any help during that time. She also hs money is just a greedy witch

This year she is asking already not bad enouh we had the other issue eric passed away unexpectadly she is such a witch she calls me asking me for things and money when she knows I am not able to work and on SSD . yes eric left me enough it is the freakin point.

[leefamily23]

I, of course, will do my best to make the $25.00 go as far as possible. However, I don't know if I can make it stretch to the point of $150 in value (now that would be some serious deals), much less do it for 3 kids in very different age brackets. I don't need an explanation, she knows why things are not so great this year. Unfortunately my husband had a pulmonary embolism in July and has been unable to work since. The downside was he was not at his current job long enough to collect disability in our state. Therefore we are w/o his income and were told just today at his check up that it will most likely be a minimum of 6 more months, but plan on a year before they'll release him. The clot was massive and left a large infarct on his lung. So, Christmas gifts will be nice, but ultimately the fact that he is here is more than enough for me.

 

On top of being down to 1 income I got hit on my check w/ an IRS tax levy on my wages. Unfortunately we owed the IRS a nice chunk of change and could not keep up on the monthly payment. They are now taking just about 1/2 my check. Savings is depleted at this point and I will not incur credit card debt to keep her happy. At the same time there is enough going on that I don't want to be stuck in the middle of an argument w/ her either. The ironic twist in all this is that the IRS tax levy will be complete with the payment from my last check before Christmas, it couldn't of been 1 or 2 sooner, ya know?

 

Anyhow, thankfully at my work December is a 3 check month, and that is the only saving Christmas for my son I feel. I am not willing to take the $650 ish I figure I can take from that check and use $450 of it on just her kids. By the time I buy any other gifts I have to get I will have nothing left to buy for my son with. Her husband and her are doing really well and will be giving their kids a nice Christmas, so it is not like I am depriving them of their Christmas.

 

I just hate situations like this. I know for a fact she is going to be upset. My son will be 18 in January and I know that she is going to feel like I am cheating her because this is the last year she'll buy for my son, and here I go changing the price range.

[Princess7915]

In my opinion I would not tell her in you discussion that you want to cut back your Christmas budget because she has three kids and you have one. It sounds like your punishing her for having more kids - and to someone who sounds fairly unreasonable anyway that's how it will come across. I do understand why people say "we should agree to spend $X on each other", but I feel it kind of defeats the spirit of gift giving at large. I would simply go to your sister and tell her that you will be scaling back your Christmas gift giving budgets - end of story. It's not her business what you do with your money or how much you spend! She should be appreciative and if she's not then obviously she's missing the entire point and I might make that clear to her if she gets ugly with you. You should not feel guilty about not spending enough money on your sister and her kids! That is insane! Set your personal budget and be done with it - good riddance to those ungrateful of your thoughtful gifts.

 

On another note my DH and I are a "family" of two - no kiddos here. So we are commonly in the situation where we are two people buying for three or four. That's just the way it is. I'm aware of it and I don't "punish" those family members or set my budget according to that. I buy appropriately and that's that. I have a general idea of what my Aunt sets as a gift amount on my DH and I and I stay similar to that when I purchase for her and her DH and two kids so no one is uncomfortable. I think it's silly to feel like you must go toe-to-toe with some one on spending. As far as your sister I would certainly shop sales and go off of retail value for the items. (Then tell your sister to stick it where the sun don't shine :) )

[AndreaInNC]

Why don't you ask her to postpone gift giving until after the holidays? 1/2 off the day after Christmas will get you even further. Maybe suggest a New Year's celebration and exchange gifts then.

 

I would explain that your financial situation will be slightly better in January than in December. Maybe she would understand?

[happysunshine28]

Maybe I am cheap/poor and come from cheap/poor families, but $150 for a gift exchange is outrageous. No matter how many kids you have versus she has thats alot of money for any kid. Dont get me wrong I spend lots of money on my own kids for christmas probably more than I should but arent most family exchanges around $20/$30 per person.

[dealluvr]

i too think that is outrageous. she is your sister,family. i think you shoukld just get the framily a gift.and after the holidays ifshe doesnt liker it then do like i do dont buy for them. i have had to cut out family just for this reason

 

just wondering your sister is older isnt she?

Edited November 3, 2010 by dealluvr
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[pretweety7]

Wow!! I am so sorry that you have to go through all those personal issues and then deal with SIL too. I am from a BIG family. I am the baby of seven. Each one of us has 2 kids, so needless to say we draw names for our family. Although everyone buys for mom and dad, and then we play Chinese Christmas for the men and women.

I think personally that $150 per child is way too much. Not sure what kind of person wouldn't think it through that you are spending $450 versus $150 being spent on your child. Doesn't make sense to me. I agree with some other people though, Christmas is about giving not the price tag.

[tinkrbel]

I agree it seems like a large amount. I wish I could spend that much on all my gifts but the truth is much less. I spend wisely and probably meet that amount in retail value for some members on list. I only have 3 children to shop for so they usually get lots of toys with clothes mixed in but everything comes from BF or clearance sales. And the people I know do not appreciate my gifts can forget getting much. For example my godson will get much better gifts than my nephew because his parents actually let him play with toys and don't have an elitest view on people and/or brands. I bought each mom a huge bagful of stuff at carters before baby's were born and while I see one child wear the stuff tons I have never once seen nephew in any of it.

 

I know the situation is not pleasant and I wouldn't want to be the one to "rock the boat" but it is what it is. If you could spare the $450 I'm sure you would do so happily. I think the most important thing in THIS situation is to get the most for your money and make sure the KIDS understand it's not anything they did. It's going to be near impossible for them not to see the difference between $150 and $30 gifts hopefully they are younger/ older and will either not notice or be smart enough to understand.

[dealluvr]

my sister was always like why dont you spend more on my kids? i didnt have the money to spend what i ewwanted on my own.then she said i had to pay for most of the dinner as she couldn t furnish the whole dinner cause her family was bigger. i just dropped them altogether. i figure if family cant come together and have the holidays a fun time instead of a hateful time why bother with them

[fluffkin79]

I wouldn't surprise her by giving her kids cheaper gifts without warning, they would definatly feel cheated then. Let her know ahead of time that you will be cutting back this year. Tell her how bad you feel about it and let her know that you expect her to spend less on your son so she can spend more on her kids to help even things out. If you plan on going back to your old ways you could always let her know that you will go back to buying pricier gifts when you are in a position to do so.

[dealluvr]

one year for thanksgiving i made an extra turkey and extra everything and we packed up a big cooler and brought the homeless in pa. food.we also saved a lot of mc donalds reusable cups and had coffee to give them.the kids went and helped and ever since that they are happy with whatever they get always have been after the thanksgiving thing. maybe you could take your kids and her kids to help at thanksgiving somewhere that way they will see that anything is a good gift not always about money Edited November 4, 2010 by dealluvr
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[tn20]

leefamily23- Reading this thread has made me feel just sick about your situation. My family is having a rough year financially, as well. My DH's plant closed, so he lost his job in January. He is going back to school, but we are living on a fraction of what our previous income was. But I cannot imagine what it would be like to have to worry that my sister (or any family members) were going to be mad at me because I can't spend much on their gifts this year.

 

$150 a child is CRAZY... my budget for my own kids is only $200 (and it was a stretch to save that!) (I only buy for 1 neice, and I spend $25 on her... my sister buys for my 2 boys, spending $20-$30 total on them). Even if you were not having a difficult time, it would be COMPLETELY reasonable for you to tell your sister that you wanted to cut back the budget.

 

If my sister were going through what you are, I would tell her not to worry, that something I bought for my boys could be from her so she didn't need to spend anything, and if she insisted on buying something, I would scale back the budget until she felt good about it. I would also tell her that I am going to spend my regular amount on her daughter to help give her a nice Christmas (and the gifts didn't have to be from me... they could be from her, or Santa, whichever worked out better). And I know without a doubt, she would do the same for me.

 

I'm so sorry that your family is struggling this year and on top of that, you aren't getting the support you should have from everyone in your family. I don't really have any advice... I would just tell your sister, due to all the issues we're having this year, this is what we are able to do for Christmas, I hope it doesn't upset you, but we have to do what we have to do.

 

Your family will be in my prayers for a full and speedy recovery for your DH, relief of your financial strains, and for you all to have a blessed Christmas! You are so right- your husband's life is much more precious than any gift you could possibly give or receive! Whatever your sister's reaction is, try not to dwell on it. Celebrate your blessings! *Lots of hugs*

[jstluvem]

We have 8 children and 9 grandchildren ,so with the son and daughter in-laws its a total of 22 of us .In November we have a Secret Santa dinner and draw names adults are limited to $40 each and children are $10 each.This has works great I hate to toot my own horn but our children are getting quite good at bargain shopping.

[AudreyNicole]

I can not believe this situation. I am so sorry that you are having to go through this. I hate when people lose sight of what the holidays are really all about. I agree that $150 per child is ALOT. I have 2 sisters. Neither of them have kids, and I have 2. We have NEVER discussed how much they spend on my boys for the holidays. They do what they can whether it be $10 or $50. I would never give them any grief about it. If they ask what my boys would like for their birthdays or Christmas, I always ask them how much they want to spend and suggest something in their price range. You need to do what is best for you family, and put your own child first, IMO. If giving so much to your sister's kids would mean that your own child has nothinig for Christmas, or that it would strap you financially, don't do it. If she gets mad, she gets mad. Stand your ground and try not to stress out too much over it. I am sure it is very hard. Enjoy your time with your son and husband. THAT is what matters most during the holidays. :)

[fingerlakesmom]

leefamily23- Reading this thread has made me feel just sick about your situation. My family is having a rough year financially, as well. My DH's plant closed, so he lost his job in January. He is going back to school, but we are living on a fraction of what our previous income was. But I cannot imagine what it would be like to have to worry that my sister (or any family members) were going to be mad at me because I can't spend much on their gifts this year.

 

$150 a child is CRAZY... my budget for my own kids is only $200 (and it was a stretch to save that!) (I only buy for 1 neice, and I spend $25 on her... my sister buys for my 2 boys, spending $20-$30 total on them). Even if you were not having a difficult time, it would be COMPLETELY reasonable for you to tell your sister that you wanted to cut back the budget.

 

If my sister were going through what you are, I would tell her not to worry, that something I bought for my boys could be from her so she didn't need to spend anything, and if she insisted on buying something, I would scale back the budget until she felt good about it. I would also tell her that I am going to spend my regular amount on her daughter to help give her a nice Christmas (and the gifts didn't have to be from me... they could be from her, or Santa, whichever worked out better). And I know without a doubt, she would do the same for me.

 

I'm so sorry that your family is struggling this year and on top of that, you aren't getting the support you should have from everyone in your family. I don't really have any advice... I would just tell your sister, due to all the issues we're having this year, this is what we are able to do for Christmas, I hope it doesn't upset you, but we have to do what we have to do.

 

Your family will be in my prayers for a full and speedy recovery for your DH, relief of your financial strains, and for you all to have a blessed Christmas! You are so right- your husband's life is much more precious than any gift you could possibly give or receive! Whatever your sister's reaction is, try not to dwell on it. Celebrate your blessings! *Lots of hugs*

 

AGreeing with all!

 

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))

[pottsie66]

Wow! I think $150 is outrageous, too. I have a large family (9 kids) and I ask that no one spend more than $50 on our family. A family gift (fruit basket, box of candy, small item for the kids, etc) is greatly appreciated. We want our kids to realize what the holidays are really about, not about the gifts or how much someone spent on them. Hope your sister is receptive to your situation.