Help! Does DS Deserve it?

[sinvids]

Hi All,

My ds 15 has been doing poorly in school this year (sheer laziness), has gotten into alot of trouble skipping school (he got caught) and lies about doing his homework (hence the doing badly in school). Also doen't listen to what we say to him. I have several items on my list to get him including a 19" lcd monitor, 8gb nano and a wii (already purchased). The problem is I can't bring myself to think he deserves these gifts. About $600.00 in gifts for a kid that just lays around doing nothing. His sisters have less expensive gifts (nintendo ds's and littlest pet shop items etc..) but have several gifts to open on Xmas day (13 each). My problem is do I get him the gifts and reward his bad behavior? We got him a pair of pants for his birthday but he was so sad after. I know he's a teenager, but when I was young and did something terrible, I certainly didn't get a $250 wii. Anyone else with experience would be greatly appreicated!

[alimfp]

Whoa. I have to say, my one big gift even as a teen was worth around $200 and then I got smaller items all around or under $30 each.

 

I don't have teens yet.. but I personally wouldn't gift him even one of those things. Maybe that's mean of me, but if I did gift one.. it'd be the monitor, I think. Definitely NOT the Wii, being his doing poorly in school is due to HIS laziness. I think the Wii just takes up more time in which he could be doing necessary school work.

[amystuff]

I certainly wouldn't get all those things (for any child), but I would give him the Wii. A Christmas gift is a symbol of your love for someone, not a reward or punishment. Sounds like he might need a little reassuring after a tough year. Just my 2 cents worth. :)

[jeffNangie]

Hi All,

My ds 15 has been doing poorly in school this year (sheer laziness), has gotten into alot of trouble skipping school (he got caught) and lies about doing his homework (hence the doing badly in school). Also doen't listen to what we say to him. I have several items on my list to get him including a 19" lcd monitor, 8gb nano and a wii (already purchased). The problem is I can't bring myself to think he deserves these gifts. About $600.00 in gifts for a kid that just lays around doing nothing. His sisters have less expensive gifts (nintendo ds's and littlest pet shop items etc..) but have several gifts to open on Xmas day (13 each). My problem is do I get him the gifts and reward his bad behavior? We got him a pair of pants for his birthday but he was so sad after. I know he's a teenager, but when I was young and did something terrible, I certainly didn't get a $250 wii. Anyone else with experience would be greatly appreicated!

I also have teens and feel your pain! They can just break your heart, can't they?

 

I think that simply because you are asking this question, you already know the answer. You can let him know you love him and still give him something for Christmas without rewarding his poor behavior. These are LIFE lessons we are teaching them and sometimes we must have sadness (a teenager who didn't get a Wii for Christmas) in the short-term to achieve success (a happy, productive, well-adjusted adult) in the long-term.

 

Go with your instincts - you KNOW the right thing to do (which may or may not be what I would do).

[PerkynPunctual]

I would think one of those gifts would be more than adequate. When my brother, sister and I turned 15, we also started getting *real world* gifts for Christmas and birthdays. A locker (the foot variety :lol ), sheet set, towel sets and the like. Mom and Dad figured it kept us grounded in the reality that adulthood was sneaking up, and by the time college hit we were stocked up. Might be an idea to get him a few items so he knows the future will be here soon and he needs to get it together.

 

to you. I know it can't be easy for you.

 

ETA: I changed the sentence about the locker, because it was linking my reply to a store!!!!

[comm402]

First off, can I be your kid on Christmas? I promise to do good in school and clean my room!

 

Seriously though, its a tough call. I don't see where giving him only 1 small gift would be a bad thing. You could give him the nano and hold the Wii as an incentive for him to clean up his act. When he earns it let him have it but remind him that what mom giveth mom can taketh away if you know what I mean. You could also give him a bunch of "needs" instead of wants if you feel that you need to even things out. Give him some jeans and socks and that sort of thing so at least he will have the same amount of gifts as his sisters. Like the other poster mentioned, do what you feel you need to do.

[mudechevy]

I agree. Give him at least 1. It gives YOU something to take away when he's acting up.

[conj]

give him the Wii for Xmas. Give him GAMES for the wii if he brings his grades up and PROVES it. Give him other accessories (or some of the other gifts) if he cleans up his act at home.

 

Let him know - in writing - what he has to do to get them. Stick to it.

[Kandy]

give him the Wii for Xmas. Give him GAMES for the wii if he brings his grades up and PROVES it. Give him other accessories (or some of the other gifts) if he cleans up his act at home.

 

Let him know - in writing - what he has to do to get them. Stick to it.

I like this idea.. or if there is already gamecube in the house since the WIi plays those games. Give him a Wii game and the Monitor and some clothes/shoes. Don't give him the actual Wii, and make him work for that Wii.

[jarerice]

I agree, give him the wii. I don't this christmas should be used as a reward or a punishment.

 

I think that the 250 WII and some games to go with it is more than enough. He has to understand that his 1 thing cost more them all the other stuff. My DS9 understands that.

[DramaQueenLucy]

give him the Wii for Xmas. Give him GAMES for the wii if he brings his grades up and PROVES it. Give him other accessories (or some of the other gifts) if he cleans up his act at home.

 

Let him know - in writing - what he has to do to get them. Stick to it.

 

I had to do something like this a few years ago my DS also a teen I gave his is big gift PS2 and one controller as well as the other goodies clothes, ipod & docking station ...I held on to all video games, online thing for final fantasy, extra controller, ipod, clothes & docking station. Gave him books that his teachers recommend some workbooks that the teachers gave me others books that I picked up on Amazon and every time he did what he was supposed to do like do all 3 workbooks I would release one gift. I now have a child who will not play around with school and has even put in to go to the Tech school for computers.

 

So from my experience this kind of thing works, IMO!

[lisamag]

if you have other children in the house why don't you give the Wii as a family gift so they all enjoy it. why give it to the one doing bad things. then tell him if he had done well it would have been his but since he's doing the things you listed it went to the whole family instead. and then give him one of the other big gifts maybe the nano. i agree with you he shouldn't get rewarded for lieing, skipping school, bad grades, not a good idea to reward this. my son wanted the wii for christmas last yr, i said no he was giving me a hard time going to school. no where near what your going through, but still it was a fight every day. since he and his sister 6yrs old both graduated in june, i got them the Wii they were so surprised it was well worth it. if you don't show him there are repercussions for his bad behavior it's only going to get worst.

[lisamag]

I had to do something like this a few years ago my DS also a teen I gave his is big gift PS2 and one controller as well as the other goodies clothes, ipod & docking station ...I held on to all video games, online thing for final fantasy, extra controller, ipod, clothes & docking station. Gave him books that his teachers recommend some workbooks that the teachers gave me others books that I picked up on Amazon and every time he did what he was supposed to do like do all 3 workbooks I would release one gift. I now have a child who will not play around with school and has even put in to go to the Tech school for computers.

 

So from my experience this kind of thing works, IMO!

this is a good idea also.

[shopping mom]

I agree that you should give him the Wii, not because he has been good, but just because he is your son and good or bad you love him. I would tell him that too.

[lindabacker]

Follow your heart, and remember that what you do at this stage will affect what happens later in life in your relationship with him. I am a firm believer in not rewarding bad behavior, and my kids must earn what they recieve. If you really want to give him all the things you bought for him you could do what I did a couple of years ago. Let him open them but not use any of them until he has earned it. A friend of mine has twins and at their birthday party a few months ago, they both were allowed to unwrap all their gifts but the one who had been in a lot of trouble was not allowed to open and play with them until one week later, and only if she had earned that right with good behavior. Let your kids know that you love them unconditionally but that your job as a parent is to help mold them into people the whole worl will love also. Good luck, and ignore anything I said if you do not agree, just follow your heart. Only you know your kids the best and so only you can decide the best way to proceed.

[abentley]

I too, am dealing with a 17 yo son who really is just being a slacker!!! Excpet his cell phone bill keeps running over, his grades are down, he won't even attempt to clean his room( I cleaned it for him and gave him back 7 shirts, 7 jeans, 4 hoodies, ETC, so he couldn't get it too messy). He is being just a pain in the butt around the house & a money pit( because he wont actually do anything to earn any $$), and silly me I got him an Ipod touch/ lots of clothes/shoes etc. I actually told him about the Ipod, let him know it will be going back if I don't see some serious improvement all around. It has helped, but I don't know for how long!!!

[sinvids]

Thnak you all for the advice! I love these boards, they are always so helpful, even with real life! (and you can get some great deals here too!). People may think I'm going over the top buying him a wii and a nano and a 19" monitor, but the thing is we don't usually buy things for the kids all year long. We buy them clothes and other little things, but we always saved the big stuff for Christmas. DS may sound spoiled, and maybe he is a little bit. But alot of kids in my neighborhood have all these things and he actually has way less than them due to his attitude.

I really like the idea of holding the gift until he does better in school, the problem is, it really doesn't bother him if we take the item away from him or not.

I guess the best option would be like a poster said, to buy items like sheets and so. And explain to him what he's missing out on by misbehaving. Hopefully this will work, I've tried everything and the kid just hates to listen. (his best friend is a kid who is 16 and in grade 7).

On a lighter note, I did get a duvet cover when I was that age, and I hated it! My parents thought I was grown up enough for it, but they were wrong... Thanks Perkyn punctual for reminding me!

[mghtymth27]

Had a problem with grades slipping with my DD12. What I did, when I'd finally had enough of it, was take everything away from her. The TV, PSP, IPod, etc etc etc ....... anything and everything in her room that may be even a little bit of fun and everything got put in the garage. No computer (unless it's for school and we have one of those programs that records everything typed and takes pics of websites visited so we know), no TV (anywhere in the house), no games, no anything period until her next progress reports came out (about one month). Her grades needed to come up to all B's period. Ok she used to be a straight A student and has been getting an attitude like you wouldn't believe. She had a D in science at the first progress report and in the second it was up to a C but she was stilling getting a ton of F's because she didn't bother to do her homework. So I don't think B's are out of the question.

she got her progress report last Friday and all her grades were back up to B's. Next come report cards and I told her if she doesn't have at least B's in all her classes then her stuff would be gone for 6 months. She just kind of did a little gasp and wide eyed look. I told her I know she can do it and she's much smarter then what she is acting.

So far that's worked and she's happy to have her stuff back.

 

I would give the Christmas presents but I would also take them away until grades came up. I know that seems a little harsh but it sure worked for my daughter.

[leefamily23]

I have a 14 yr old boy (he'll be 15 in January) so I feel your pain. I never knew boy's were so moody as teen's. Mine too is very lazy in school and gets terrible grades- and it will truly be a suprise if he graduates. He has no ambition too.

 

Flipside-- he is a very sweet, affectionate kid 95% of the time. He also helps around the house a lot w/o any trouble almost all the time.

 

However, he's pretty much failing or on the verge of failing everything.....so this question has been raised in our house too.

 

 

He's getting quite a few outfits (all Zumiez's & Pac Sun). But to be honest he needed these things as money was really tight at the start of school and he got very little--and he grew so much he didn't fit in anything from last fall/winter.

 

He's getting a new winter coat & sneakers- once again a necessity. Though the brand's are not.

 

He wants the clothing, shoe's and coat. But he's also asked for the Xbox 360, a camcorder, and a new skateboard and grind rail (which he means not Walmart board for $10- but the $150+ sets from online).

 

We budgeted for these things and I've already bought the camcorder. I've gotten 12 games for the Xbox 360- and I have the money now (just got paid) to get the Xbox.

 

So- my husband and I have debated-- does he deserve these things????? My husband say's- Christmas only comes once a year- and everyone deserves a big Christmas. He feels he's a good kid for the most part, just w/ bad grades. He say's we give him a big Christmas and Birthday- but he gets nothing else until those grades are up.

 

Good luck- it's a tough one-- because I can guarantee-- if the other kids get stuff and he doesn't. Even at 15-- he will hold it against you for a long, long time. They are still kids inside and it will hurt.

[yellowjeepster]

if you have other children in the house why don't you give the Wii as a family gift so they all enjoy it. why give it to the one doing bad things. then tell him if he had done well it would have been his but since he's doing the things you listed it went to the whole family instead. and then give him one of the other big gifts maybe the nano. i agree with you he shouldn't get rewarded for lieing, skipping school, bad grades, not a good idea to reward this. my son wanted the wii for christmas last yr, i said no he was giving me a hard time going to school. no where near what your going through, but still it was a fight every day. since he and his sister 6yrs old both graduated in june, i got them the Wii they were so surprised it was well worth it. if you don't show him there are repercussions for his bad behavior it's only going to get worst.

I completely agree about giving the Wii as a FAMILY GIFT. The whole family is going to be playing it anyway and your DS doesn't need to think that he has control over it or he got the best present even though he's been so terrible. Of course he knows you love him but continuous bad behavior shouldn't be rewarded whether it's Christmas or not. Let the other kids play the Wii but tell DS he can't until his grades are up or after he has studied or whatever. As for the other gifts I would tell him he couldn't have them until grades are up. I think the younger generations expect everything for nothing and our world is turning into chaos b/c of it. Look at the debt everyone has b/c they think they should have everything or their kids should. It's only feeding the problem. Sorry to jump on my soap box and I am only in my 30s so don't think I'm old griping about young people, lol. I won't even comment on the best friend being 16 in the 7th grade. That is a huge source of your DS's problems right there. I'm afraid my DS (9yrs.) is friends w/someone that I don't care for as well b/c he isn't a good influence.

[llist]

we've had trouble with my 12 year old step son too. This year will be the first year in a long time that he isn't getting some kind of new game system. He won't be happy but we've warned him enough that if he didn't get his act together there would be consequences. He's also asked for an ipod but I have a hard time spending a lot of money on things when he, in my opinion, hasn't earned them. We're still giving him a music device (mp3 player) but not an ipod. Growing up my single (mom) made my brother and I earn everything we got and I think we appreciate everything we have because of that. I think kids need to learn that things in life aren't handed out to them and that they have to work hard for what they get. Just my opinion

[yellowjeepster]

Growing up my single (mom) made my brother and I earn everything we got and I think we appreciate everything we have because of that. I think kids need to learn that things in life aren't handed out to them and that they have to work hard for what they get. Just my opinion

[EmConMom]

My opinion may differ here however, Christmas gifts are not ones I would see as a reward. If you normally go all out for Christmas, go all out. BUT...receiving Christmas gifts is one thing, keeping them is another. Once he receives those gifts they are his, if he earns the right to keep them. I would enclose a nice note with his Christmas gifts, telling him that he is loved and that is why he is receiving whatever the gifts are you chose to give him. But if his bad behavior continues they will one by one be taken away. If his behavior is not changed to earn them back, the next step would be to sell them on ebay.

That is my opinion. In summary, treat this Christmas as normal, with the very clear possibility that those things can be gone in a minute.

[mychza]

We never recived byig games systems like the Wii in our family unless they were family gifts. We only got handheld ones that were all ours (actually my brother was the only one who got it and we borrowed his) Anyway, I think you should give him his presents and let him use them during the christmas break and then take them away when school starts until he starts acting right.

[dmmiller]

I am going thru the same thing here. And thought of posting this type of question.

My DS12 has been up and down in grades, one time he'll be honor roll, then 3 weeks later he's failing some classes. Talks back, treats his brother like crap, has the attitude

that he's going to do what he wants and get what he wants.

Well he participates in skiclub every year for the past few years. And it runs alittle over

$200 for the rental, lift ticket and lesssons. Runs about 6-7 weeks starting Jan.

Well I told him that if he doesnt change his ways, NO skiclub. Well, as of right now he's not going.. but he's been doing everything possible to kiss my butt for me to change my mind. I'm torn on what to do. Like you Sinvids, I dont think he deserves it, but I hate taking away something he REALLY enjoys and is getting good at.

Deadline for signups is friday.. god help me!

[xfountaingrl]

Wow.. that is very tough. I would def. give him the Wii and maybe something else. But also, he needs to know that he needs to gets his grades up etc. Or maybe buy one of the other things, but dont give it to him on xmas. Tell him you have something else he really wants, but he needs to prove himself before you give it to him. Make him work for it.

[xfountaingrl]

I am going thru the same thing here. And thought of posting this type of question.

My DS12 has been up and down in grades, one time he'll be honor roll, then 3 weeks later he's failing some classes. Talks back, treats his brother like crap, has the attitude

that he's going to do what he wants and get what he wants.

Well he participates in skiclub every year for the past few years. And it runs alittle over

$200 for the rental, lift ticket and lesssons. Runs about 6-7 weeks starting Jan.

Well I told him that if he doesnt change his ways, NO skiclub. Well, as of right now he's not going.. but he's been doing everything possible to kiss my butt for me to change my mind. I'm torn on what to do. Like you Sinvids, I dont think he deserves it, but I hate taking away something he REALLY enjoys and is getting good at.

Deadline for signups is friday.. god help me!

 

I would do this for him. I did ski club when I was a kid. Its something different and not just a toy, etc. It gets him out and active etc. I would def. consider doing this for him. Let him know how you dont want to do it for him and he needs to change his ways etc.

[Jennifer0530]

I think you should give him everything that you have bought for him and let him enjoy it christmas day then the day after set him down and talk to him about everything and explain if he doesn't shape up then everything will be taken away until he does.

 

On a side note: I am really surprised you had the courage to ask a question like this because I wouldn't. I remember one time I was in Walmart and my son was acting up really bad. I told him if he didn't straighten up Santa would not stop at our house for Christmas (this was last Nov early Dec). Well this couple just started going off on me telling me that I shouldn't talk to my son that way, that I was a bad parent, and that I should be ashamed of myself. We ended up in a yelling fight and I told them that when they had kids they could raise their kids any way they wished but to butt out of my business. It was crazy.

[conj]

 

On a side note: I am really surprised you had the courage to ask a question like this because I wouldn't. I remember one time I was in Walmart and my son was acting up really bad. I told him if he didn't straighten up Santa would not stop at our house for Christmas (this was last Nov early Dec). Well this couple just started going off on me telling me that I shouldn't talk to my son that way, that I was a bad parent, and that I should be ashamed of myself. We ended up in a yelling fight and I told them that when they had kids they could raise their kids any way they wished but to butt out of my business. It was crazy.

too bad there is no "ignore" button in real life

[BoulderChick]

Have you all talked to anyone about how your son is acting? A counseler, therapist or family doctor. His behavior isn't normal and shouldn't be considered that way. He may be acting this way because he's suffering from depression or even dyslexia. It sounds like he needs help.

I suffered from Clinical Depression and Panic Disorder when I was his age. My parents didn't understand what was going on and I finally felt strong enough to ask for help. I am doing great now, but my high school years were hell.

Please get help for your son, you will be glad you did. And you should consider talking to someone yourself. Someone who can help you with the difficult questions and can help you with stress.

You all will be in my thoughts and prayers.