How to make it through the holidays?? (long)

[cassgurlie04]

Okay sorry this might sound like a book, just wondering how some other people cope with loss around the holidays.

 

This will be the 3rd christmas without my grandmother. She died January 14, 2006. We had no idea she was even sick and i sorta feel like i got robbed from my last christmas with her because i had no idea that it was going to be the last christmas. That whole holiday season she showed no sign of ill or failing health. She shopped black friday morning with me and my parents. 64 years old waiting outside of walmart at 1 am lol she was a trooper. Christmas came and went like every other year and she was still fine. The new year will tell a different tale though.

 

She was taken by ambulance on January 7th for difficulties breathing. After a few hours in the er they said she had emphysema and were gonna observe her for a few days and see what treatment might be available. Two days later they said she also was showing signs of early lung cancer and that she would be a canidate for chemo and they would start that soon. However on the 11th they said the cancer had rapidly progressed and gave her a month to live. She died that Saturday the 14th.

 

I don't want to sounds selfish but I feel like I wish I would have known she was sick so that last Christmas together could have been more special, I mean they all are special but ugh i cant explain what i mean. She was just ripped from us in such a quick manner that there really wasnt time for goodbyes.

 

So 2 christmases have come and gone and this will be the third and each year i just find myself crying in the corner at family gatherings wishing she was there and that things were different. They say things get better with time, but i find them getting harder to deal with.

 

Does anyone have anything they do around the holidays that help them get through?

[floridasun5]

I totally understand and I hate to sound like an old cliche, but it will get better with time.

My grandfather died 9 days before my 16th birthday. It has been over 20 years now, but geez, up until about 5 years ago, I would still cry myself to sleep some nights missing him and recalling the times we had together. I was my grandfathers SHADOW! I mean, I was practically raised by my grandparents and my grandfather was my hero, buddy and everything in between. I know I didnt lose him when I was an adult, but I still remember that torture of being a teenager still growing into myself and losing him, then having to deal with my 16th birthday without him.

I know others have traditions that they do to remember loved ones around the holiday, but I dont really do anything, but remember him in my own special way and sometimes even talk to him. Maybe someone else will chime in with some more ideas for you, but just wanted to let you know that others have been there too and it will get better.

[stacyk9]

First, I just want to tell you that I'm sorry for your loss. I've never lost anyone around the holidays, but I have lost two daughters to a muscular disease and every Christmas we make sure to place a little Christmas tree at their grave sites, we make a donation in their names of Christmas presents to St. Jude's which is done through a partnering program with Target, they each have a white stocking at our house and I buy them an ornament or something I see each year that I can add to our decorations that reminds us that even though they are not physically with us, they are with us in spirit.

 

What I'm trying to say is, even though she is gone, it doesn't mean her spirit/memory can't be part of the holidays. Did she have a favorite charity? Was she active in a church? Maybe you could make it a tradition to make a donation in her name to one of these things. Maybe you could light a candle for her on Christmas Eve or whenever your family get-together is. You could decorate this candle or pick one out that is in her favorite color and use it every year. Anything that will help you feel closer to her.

 

I know it is an old cliche to say that in time things will get better, and they do, but the pain never goes away all together. It's been 7 and 5 years since our daughters have passed away, and I still find myself shedding a tear every so often, especially on their birthdays and around the holidays. I can look back and see how depressed I was just a few years ago and how different I feel today. It just takes time and everyone's time is different.

 

I hope I have at least helped a little bit!

 

Stacy

[jerseygirl]

StacyK9 - I'm so sorry for the loss of your daughters! and CassGurlie I'm sorry your Gandmother passed so quickly. There's nothing worng w/shedding tears over the Holidays - you're not alone. My Mom died when I was 9 years old and only 10 days after my Grandfather died (of unrealted causes). My GF&GM raised me more or less because my Mom was so sick. It'll be 30 years next April & there are times even now that it hurts. I still have his jacket I take out & squeeze and the favorite doll he game me although tattered, is wayyy loved just as he was. His walking cane we had a crafter braid in white&red like a candy cane and it hangs on the wall for Christmas. I have special ornaments I hang on the tree of both. I kiss each one as it goes up. I tell my kids about them because they're too young to have met them. I have a 20x16 collage of my GrandMothers photos (from her funeral) hanging in my Rec Room wall. I still follow the traditions she had for the Holidays, food, etc. I play her special songs of the Holidays & have my private moments alone to remember.

 

(((hugs!))) to you both!!

[cassgurlie04]

Thanks to the 3 of you! I know i need to find something that will help me along, im just glad to know that im not the only one who has felt this way and im not being selfish by wishing she was here.

[StephanieD]

My mom died suddenly this April and this will be my first Christmas without her. She was 58 years old and it was a suprise to us all. love the holidays and every time I start to get excited about the holidays, I get sad when I remember that she won't be here. I don't know how I'm going to do this season. I was a mess on my birthday and I'm sad every time another moth passes. I think this Christmas will be the hardest b/c it's the first one without her. My hope is that it will get easier as stacyk9 says. It's just difficult to see that now.

[mgmckny]

My Dad passed 11 years ago this month and Christmas was his favorite holiday. He played Santa at the Bank where he worked for years and for anyone else that needed a Santa. He loved to decorate and for many years he was in charge of the Christmas decorations at the bank and the church. He also was a fabulous cook and had a beautiful voice and loved to sing all the old hymns and carols until COPD took its toll in later years. It's hard every year but I think of him smiling down on me as I take on the role of Santa for the family. I don't know that the pain ever goes away but I try to let the great memories keep him alive in spirit.

[orangedaisy]

I'm sorry for your loss. We just lost my stepfather rather suddenly too, he also had lung cancer that was diagnosed when it was at it's end stages (he refused to go to the hospital until he could no longer breathe.) He had been with my mom almost my entire life. He was so close to my boys...it will be so strange to have the holidays without him here. This thread is helpful in hearing about ways that people cope. Thanks to all that posted, this is a first for me and my family.

[2BoysMom]

Please don't feel selfish about missing her. My Grandfather passed away 3 years ago, and my mother in law, who I was very close to, passed away 6 years ago. Hardly a day goes by that I don't think of both of them. Just remember the good things and cherish the memories.

[jdrd90]

I completely understand what you are feeling. It is hard to put into words. My dad went to heaven Sept. 11th 2008, almost 6 weeks ago. He was 74 and the Greatest man I have ever known, my hero. My heart actually hurts all the time and I too am feeling very selfish and wanting him back. I still feel anger at times, but I am getting better at that part. I know my dad is at peace now and feels no pain, so in reality I would never want him to give that up to come back. I know that may sound odd to some, but I know what I mean. This Thanksgiving and Christmas will be very difficult, but I know I have to face it. I have to get through and try to be happy, for my mom and my family. My dad would be very sad to think I wasn't enjoying Christmas with my family and I don't want to ever disappoint him. My dad was and is my world, and even though I can't physically see him, I can feel his love, see his smile, hear his laugh and feel his hand patting my back. You can do this, and you will. It is okay to cry, I will be. Just keep in mind, in time the pain will not be as intense. For me, I will cry, scream and then laugh because I know my dad is always with me. Always.

[angel-too]

Im so sorry for your loss. But maybe it was a blessing that no one knew she was ill at that last Christmas, for that last Christmas with her is untainted and filled with wonderful memories. And as hard as it is to lose someone and after seeing so many loved ones linger and suffer with cancer, perhaps it was a blessing for her as well that she passed on so quickly.

I wish you the best.

[alleyc]

I lost my Dad ( step)in Nov 1989, My Mom In Nov 1999. My Dad in May 2007 and my Grandmother in March 2007 .. its always painful for me feeling their loss at the Holidays but what I do is put an ornament in their memory on the tree. I still cry but I feel as though I am keeping them all right there with all of us..I hope that you keep a special memory of her and think of it often to help those especially hard times missing her.

I am so sorry for your loss..

[sdigman6]

I lost my step dad in 1996 and my mom in 2000 ( my bio dad well no lose there). My mom and I were sooo close . I can tell you it does get easier on some level, however its 8 years later and its still hard.

I used to not want to celebrate ANYTHING because she was gone. Dh would keep things going putting up the tree at Xmas, making turkey dinner etc I came around so to speak.

I decided I need to do things we would normally do because she would be very disappointed in that I stopped celebrating because she was not PHYSICALLY with us.

It is very hard but I know even when I don't FEEL up to it its whats best.

 

My dds 9 and 6 have seen my moms spirit here at our house were she died so I know she is with us and that helps ME as well

[tokanm]

The holidays are always tough when you have lost a loved one.

I lost my Mom when I was just 18 yrs old but I know she would not have

wanted us to be sad..she would want us to remember the happy times. I also

have lost a brother and all 4 grandparents so I can relate (as I am sure we all can)

 

In my heart I think they are looking down on us and wanting us to celebrate and be

happy. I also think and hope that we will all be together one day.

 

Hang in there and try to think how your loved one would have wanted you to spend your

holidays. Maybe try to do something in their memory..hang an ornament, make their favorite

recipe, play their favorite song etc, etc

[loves30]

sorry for your loss.. i can tell u how i have delt with them. my mom passed away at 44 and i was 19 and oldest of 5. so i always have played mommy and tried to remember everything she did for us and i made sure it was like that even tho she was not here. she was with us no matter what in our hearts and her teachings. we always laugh and talk and joke about things she would do or we would do. and even when we got in trouble like her breaking her thumb hitting my brother cause he hit me. lol. so even tho she is gone she really is not she is in u and u bring it out,. makes for great times at dinner time . stay strong and remember the times . they help u threw it.

[kmbrly]

I wish I could tell you it gets easier with time, and maybe it will.

 

I lost my dad 11 years ago this Dec. It was 1 week before my birthday, and 3 weeks before Christmas. I still have a hard time. Holidays really don't mean much to me anymore. I try to ignore them.

 

I wish you the best though, and send you many hugs to help you through this hard time.

[mom3kids]

I have cried reading this thread. My Daddy died suddenly in a truck crash on June 26 of this year. I talked to him on the phone 5 hours before the wreck and he was so happy. We were planning our family vacation for the summer. He was 58 and in great health. I am dreading this holiday season because of this. I have to be strong for my Mom and kids, so I hold a lot of my emotion in. Thank you for the ornament idea. I want to do something special to help my kids. They are all old enough to know what is going on, but not old enough to really understand. I am planning to remember the good times and think about how strong he was and the fact that he would want us to go on and be happy. I hope everyone else has a good holiday :)!

[siczlo]

It gets a little better with time, but I still find myself looking at presents while shopping and thinking, "My grandma would love this!" Or "That is sooo my Dad!" My dad has been passed 8 years now, and my grandma 2 years. The holidays haven't been the same without them.

[mom2maddynsky27]

glad to read i am not alone. i was trying to figure this out my self. my mom passed away suddenly and unexpectly in July at 48 years old. i am also trying to make christmas alittle extra special for my 7 year old because that is one thing that bothered her when her Granny passed away. my mom and step dad would come spend the night at our house on christmas eve so that my mom could be here in the morning when they kids woke up to open presents. and my 7 year old said christmas will not be the same without Granny here spending the night. broke my heart as hard as it is for me to lose my mom it is hard to see my child hurting too.

i am trying to figure out something to do with her to honor her Granny around Christmas.

[KrisinTn]

First, let me say that I'm sorry for all of your losses.

 

I started dating a guy when I was 15 and he was 17. He played baseball for a minor league team in my town... and even though he lived in North Carolina we managed to break the odds and stayed together by frequently visiting one another. (thank goodness our parents liked one another...lol.) We got engaged on my 18th birthday in Sept. He was killed on Christmas Eve that year by a drunk driver.

 

I lost my father 15 years ago, and not a day goes by that I don't think of him. Christmas was his FAVORITE holiday. He always went all out... he really was just a big kid at heart. We knew it was his last Christmas... he had been dx with terminal cancer and given 6 months to live the previous July. It was a miserable day... all I kept thinking was, I'll never get to celebrate this holiday with my daddy again. I was 24 years old. He turned 69 on Jan 20, and died on Jan 29.

 

So, you can see I've been on both ends... knowing and not... I don't think one is better than the other. They both stink...

 

These are a few things I do to help make the holidays a little more bearable.

 

Put a few of your loved one's ornaments on your own tree... especially one's that you know were special to them.

 

Have a family open house... sit around talking and sharing funny memories of these loved ones, it really does help.

 

Make a donation to a charity or adopt a needy angel in their memory...

 

I have a CD that I made of their favorite Christmas music... it plays all the time at my house throughout the holidays.

Edited October 28, 2008 by KrisinTn

[elena_398]

This will be my husband's first christmas without his father. He passed away in January. Im sure this will be rough for him.

[leefamily23]

First I too want to say I am sorry for everyone's losses. This thread is making me well up (I guess it doesn't help that I have to be at my grandparents house at 10 am tomorrow to empty out the contents...which the rest of my post will explain that).

 

Anyhow, I lost my grandmother unexpectedly last year just a week before Thanksgiving and mine and her's birthday (they were 2 days apart and often fell on Thanksgiving- which is when we always celebrated both). I have spent every holiday w/ my grandparents for as long as I have memories.

 

Last year was rough, there were lots of tears. My husband bought me a blue bird ornament to put on the tree in her memory. She loved blue birds and collected anything w/ them on it. The ironic part was he did this the day after she died. He had to run to Target w/ me to go and try to find my son some dress clothes for the wake and funeral. He bought me the ornament while I was looking for clothes. Anyhow, she always told my 1 cousin that when she died she wanted to have a blue bird resting above her shoulder in her casket. The day of the funeral I show up and my cousin had bought that same ornament (she didn't know my husband had bought it for me just 2 days before) to place above my grandma's shoulder before they closed her casket. (okay now I have tears running down my face......).

 

Anyhow, this year we have another sort of loss to face. Last weekend my grandfather moved to N.Carolina to my aunts house. He has been failing in health terribly and he's been so sad. So he packed up 2 boxes of belongings and told us all he is going there to die (which I honestly don't think is going to be too long). He intends to never return home alive, not for the holiday's either. So last year we had to go through the holiday's w/o my grandma and this year w/o grandpa. Going to Carolina for Christmas is not an option, we cannot afford it. Last weekend was really rough knowing full well, it will most likely be the last time I see him alive. Tomorrow we are going to empty out all the contents of their house- as someone else is moving into it in November. I'm intending on taking some ornaments from her collection for my tree this year.

 

I don't think the memories ever go away. I do hope that the pain subsides alittle each year though. I know I thought I was doing really well and in the last few weeks as the holidays and the 1 yr anniversary of her passing draw closer I'm finding it harder.

[love2beurwifey]

First and Foremost I want to say I am sorry for everyones losses. I want to say I lost my mother suddenly becuase Sept 23, 2008 was the last time I heard her voice. She was 45 years old. She passed away on Nov 4. the time between the accident and her passing she was in a coma. I honestly feel like this year is going to be harder than last year. My family has just been torn apart by this tragedy. Some say the first year is the worst others say the second. For me I think its going to be this year which would be my second Thanksgiving and Christmas without her. Thanksgiving last year I was in the hospital and had underwent emergency surgery as a result of my injuries so I was pretty much out of it that day and then Christmas was my daughters 1st real christmas so I tried to keep my mind off of that but I don't know. I was wondering what I could do as well because as the anniversary of her passing approaches I am starting to get edgy. I feel like I am under so much stress and I have all this weight weighing heavy on my heart. I don't know what I am supposed to do. I appreciate the ideas that everyone gave because I too would like to do something in remembrance of her. I also recently lost 2 very close cousins (my aunts sons) in an accident so I just feel as if the pain has started all over again.

[Princess7915]

I have lost many. Some suddenly, some not. I can't say which is worse because it's almost harder to watch them die over a period of time "waiting" for it to happen. I know you think you wish you would have known it was your last Christmas, but I don't think you do. The memories would be tainted with you hovering over her knowing it would be your last. Know it was special, know she loved you. I can say from my experience it doesn't get easier - you just adjust to how things are. Maybe it's a bit pessimistic but I think that's reality - or at least mine. I'm truly sorry for your loss. Some are harder to take than others and it sounds like this one was very difficult one for you. I understand as I have been there myself. Know that you will find a way through it.

[chrissy1979c]

I'm so sorry for your loss, but believe me I totally know how you feel! I lost my mom to lung cancer on April 19th, 2003 and she was only 47! She was diagnosed in Nov after being told to start with she had a "cold" then had a major seizure and then the doctor in the ER just blurted out that she had cancer that had already gone to her brain. I'm a nurse which I knew what that meant but at 23 there was NO way I was ready to lose my mom. To make a long story short, she did really good for most of the time, but she died the day before Easter. I will not EVER do anything for that holiday again. Maybe if I have children I might be able to, but at this point I can't. My sister was only 10 and my brother was 8 when this happened so it's been rough since you can't quit holidays with little one's, but at the same time, nothing is the same without "Mommy" To be honest, no things haven't gotten easier, but we've gotten more adjusted to them. The best way I know how to deal with her death is knowing that she was suffering in pain near the end and thankfully she isn't anymore, but I'm still selfish and I still want my Mom back. I'm so sorry for those who have had to deal with losing people without any notice or warning or being able to say goodbye. I have lost some friends like that but not family, I couldn't imagine. I will say though even though I know she's gone in person, she's still with me in spirit. I catch myself doing and saying things I never used to here and there that she always did and my sister always reminds me that I sound just like her, which I'm thrilled now to say that I think I'm turning into my mother! :)

[AndreaInNC]

The holidays are equally hard for me as well. I lost my dad 15 years ago and it just seems like it was last year. Time does make it easier, but it's still hard. He died December 5th. He was an avid golfer, so that year I had bought him a golf ball Christmas ornament. It hangs on my tree every year and I always say a prayer for him while I'm putting it up on the tree.

 

I lost my mom in May of 2006. She gave me and my sibs an ornament every year once we left her home. I hang those ornaments on my tree every year and remember her as well.

 

I know that you can also find ornaments for those who have passed on and you could hang one in memory of someone you lost. I like the one Hallmark has this year

http://www.hallmark.com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/ProductDisplay?catalogId=10051&storeId=10001&partNumber=QXG6274_DK&rank=P1R1S&searchValue=remember+me+ornament&fromSearch=true

 

Hugs to everyone who suffers through what should be a joyous time of year!