jerica388 Posted October 25, 2009 Share Posted October 25, 2009 My husband and I have two kids. My brother has two boys, different moms. Their moms always make sure they get to spend Christmas with us, so we spend $20-30 on each of them and I usually buy a nice little $10 something for their moms. The boys each give my kids $5 gifts and everyone is happy with that. My brother is seldom around, so we do not buy for him and do not ever expect him to buy for anyone. My DH side of the family is a little different. We have two, one of his brothers has three kids, and the other has no kids. On that side of the family we all buy for my MIL & FIL, and the kids. We spend $20-30 on the niece and 2 nephews, and SIL (their mom) spends about that on each of our kids. My one BIL that doesn't have kids buys for all the kids, and spends a little more $40-50. That was his own decision. I think it is because he doesn't have kids of his own to buy for (has a steady GF now though, so maybe in a few more years :)) MIL & FIL buy for everyone, but DH, his brothers, and us wives do not exchange gifts with each other. The BIL that does not have kids kind of switched it up last year though and bought all of us adults a gift. He said that he wanted to get us a gift, and he would do whatever he wanted with his money and he did not expect us to get him anything. I appreciated the gift, but felt uncomfortable because we did not get him anything. Now I am wondering about this year - should I buy him something since he bought for us last year? Should I discuss it with him before the holiday? Or should I just do things like we always have and maybe stick a gift card back just in case he springs a gift on us, that way we will be ready? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catrinaf25 Posted October 25, 2009 Share Posted October 25, 2009 I would buy him something expecially if he does not get gifts from others. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jerica388 Posted October 25, 2009 Share Posted October 25, 2009 You make a good point. I have always felt a little weird that he buys for all the kids but doesn't have any, so its like he is putting in and not getting anything back. I know the gifts are not the main focus of the holiday and he enjoys giving, but it has always felt a little lop-sided to me. My husband says we shouldn't worry about it, but I do feel like I should get him something. But then I worry that SIL will think I am trying to make her family look bad if we get him a gift and they don't. I don't want to hurt anyones feelings, but I am pretty much to the point where I think I should just do what I feel is right and live with the consequences, whatever they may be. You can't please all the people all the time, right? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AuntieJul Posted October 25, 2009 Share Posted October 25, 2009 Among my family and stepfamily there are a lot of us cousins, and maybe one niece or nephew on any one side of my family to buy for. So, we have continued to do what we've done among us "adults" (moms, aunts, uncles included) - a Secret Santa grab-bag with a limit of $50 or $25 (depending on the side of the family). This included the new borns, too. It's been pretty successful but it's getting kind of boring because there aren't too many kids around to be excited for presents. With my mom's family we do a "Pirate Pollyanna" which is also called a Yankee Gift Exchange. We each wrap a useless gift or a re-gifted item and place it in the center of a room. We draw numbers and pick gifts in order. Except if you are #3 and you like #2's gift better than yours, you can steal it and #2 can't steal it back! And so on... So every year we try to out-do the year before's useless gifts. Examples of hilarious gifts include an unused duct vent, a shark in a jar (tourism gift from the Caribbean), ornaments, balls of yarn... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catrinaf25 Posted October 25, 2009 Share Posted October 25, 2009 SIL has someone that buys her gifts correct? Maybe offer to babysit for her a night as a gift to her . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jerica388 Posted October 25, 2009 Share Posted October 25, 2009 SIL does not allow any one to be alone with her children except for grandparents. No joke. They have never spent the night with anyone other than grandparents. They are not allowed to go play at someone else's house unless she or hubby is there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
figarotigger Posted October 26, 2009 Share Posted October 26, 2009 You make a good point. I have always felt a little weird that he buys for all the kids but doesn't have any, so its like he is putting in and not getting anything back. I know the gifts are not the main focus of the holiday and he enjoys giving, but it has always felt a little lop-sided to me. My husband says we shouldn't worry about it, but I do feel like I should get him something. But then I worry that SIL will think I am trying to make her family look bad if we get him a gift and they don't. I don't want to hurt anyones feelings, but I am pretty much to the point where I think I should just do what I feel is right and live with the consequences, whatever they may be. You can't please all the people all the time, right?Could you send a gift to his home? Cheryl's Cookies, Hickory Farm, Harry & David, Sugarbush, Sees Chocolates (lets you individualize a box of chocolates if you want-fun!) etc.? Or as a last resort, mail a giftcard in a Christmas card after the family party? The suggestions are food related because single people tend to not cook the variety that families do because of the leftovers. Most gift baskets have a little of everything. My neighbor is single and unlike me, does not have a family Christmas dinner. He saves any presents from work/friends for Christmas Day and savors every one. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jerica388 Posted October 26, 2009 Share Posted October 26, 2009 figarotigger that is a good idea. Maybe I will send something to his home for him and his new gf to enjoy together. That way she is included too and I don't have to worry about upsetting SIL. Knowing this BIL, I think he would be even happier with a gift he could share with his gf than if I got him something just for him - and I have made the gesture so I don't feel things are quite so one-ended. Thanks! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
momof3luvs1 Posted October 26, 2009 Share Posted October 26, 2009 I have 3 children and my brother and 2 sisters only have 1 each. We don't have a set budget. Whatever my kids want they buy them and then in turn I get to spoil all my nieces and nephews in return because it usually ends up that I spend per kid what they spend for my 3 in total. I think it is totally fair that way. It was my choice to have 3 and if I spend 100-200 per niece/nephew which I usually do I would never expect my siblings to have to shell out 3-600 for my kids just to keep a "budget" The holidays are about family, tradition and love. I love to shop and buy things that will make the kids happy but would never be all about the $. I would just try to explain to your sister the economy route like others said, and if she doesnt understand then shes out of line. My one sister doesnt work and her dh doesnt have a good job so she is the only one that buys way less then every1 else, and if she tried to match or buy more Id be upset. I dont want her to break her budget when she cant afford it. I usually tell her the kids REALLY want something and it is a smaller gift on their list (10-20 range) but I still spend 100-200 on her child and I wouldnt have it any other way. We are lucky enough to have it. So my point is that if your sister really loves u which Im sure she does she will understand! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fluffkin79 Posted October 26, 2009 Share Posted October 26, 2009 First of all, I don't even spend $200 each on my kids! They are too young and toys are too cheap to have to spend that much. I can see your sister's point of view. For 9 years she bought your kid fanstatically awesome gifts, and probably watched others do the same. Now that she has a family of her own your mom has told her that she will continue to lavish your 1 child with expensive gifts, but her children are not worth as much. Yikes! Not a good time to bring up that you want to spend less on her kids, too. IMHO, your mom's thinking is just wrong. I understand splitting the "grandkid gift budget" down the middle IF she is buying family gifts. However, if she is getting gifts for each individual child it seems like a better idea to decide how much she has to spend and spread it evenly among her (hopefully) evenly-loved grandkids. That said, sometimes prices don't even matter that much. Maybe your son wants an Ipod or pricey video game. Perhaps you have a niece that desperatly wants a $20 cupcake maker or a $9 zhu-zhu pet. As long as they get what is "big" to them, they won't be jealous of what the cousins got. Of course, there are limits. Even young kids can see the difference between the gaming console, games, and new TV that grandma got a cousin and the movie that grandma got them - even if they really wanted the movie! As for spending less on your sister's kids, you have to do what you have to do. Decide what your budget is and stick to it. Maybe there is a way around discussing it with her. If you find good enough deals, you might be able to stay within your budget and still look like you spent more. Otherwise you seem to be thinking about it the right way. Yes, you need to be spending less on her kids, but you are telling her to spend less on yours as well so that nobody feels like they are getting cheated on the big day. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
allshoppedout Posted October 26, 2009 Share Posted October 26, 2009 (edited) Oh this whole subject makes me NUTSO. I can't stand "stingy relatives".......don't take that the wrong way..I don't have alot of money--especially this year--and I love/need BARGAINS to survive...but I hate when someone says ok $40 dollars for gift exchange--and then they buy you something that WAS worth 40 --a year ago, and is out-dated, out-of-style or something you'd NEVER wear/want...but hey it was $40 dollars--once. I've had this happen multiple times. Angers me because I work hard (search gottadeal, go out multiple times, do BF) to find people nice gifts... Here is my deal if I can't afford 40, I will say "let's do 30..." why pretend I can do 40..and try to cheat someone/give them lousy gift.....sometimes people are just going to get mad when you change limit but you have to say what you can afford. That is just life and sometimes you finances are better one year and not the next. Why "pretend" you will get a x-amount of dollar gift and then pass off something unwanted/cheap. I prefer honesty--even if someone can't afford to exchange at all that year. If the situation were reversed and I could not afford an exchange I'd want them to understand. And it is awful for people to say/agree on amount & then get you something crappy. . . we are talking people that should know you (me) --get what I mean? Me and my sis will agree on amount (it has gone up/down over the years).... if I say $50 with her then we know we will both spend the 50--and sometimes we end up getting each other what would really be $75-100 dollars worth of stuff because we do BF or tons of coupons, etc... but we always know we are getting something the other would/should love.... I/we don't operate like "well we said 50 dollars...and I found it for 25, so I get 25 extra in my pocket..." I have someone I know like that and we no longer exchange. . .And Finally I always give a receipt/gift voucher (so they will obviously know what I spent if they exchange size/need to return) --needless to say some of the worst gifts I have received have come without receipts...And I don't mean home-made gifts--I have received lovely things made from kids/adults that they put alot of time, and love into I am all for home-made. Edited October 26, 2009 by allshoppedout Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pottsie66 Posted November 1, 2009 Share Posted November 1, 2009 Well, I have a large family (9 kiddos of my own). We do a family Christmas with my parents, sister, brother, niece, and nephew. Everyone comes to my house. We either put the all adult names in a hat and exchange names with a dollar limit of $25 and the kid's names in a hat and have a $25 limit OR agree to buy for each family and set a limit of $50 per family. I prefer giving to each family. I ask that anyone that buys for my family to please adhere to the limit that was set. I do not want my kids thinking that Christmas is all about receiving gifts. To us, it is much more than that. If we do the family gift, we have done things like a family subscription to Netflix, fruit baskets, watch for Target clearance throughout the year and pick up some practical items that make nice gifts, Walmart gift cards, gift cards to restaurants, make a gift basket with DVD's and snacks in it, etc. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
floridasun5 Posted November 1, 2009 Share Posted November 1, 2009 Add me to the list of another who hates dealing with this year after year. I am an only child and my dd is an only child, however has a large family and of course we are expected to buy for them all. They only have my dd to buy for, but yet as of now, I still have 4. Its not too much and not nearly as many as some people, but it still adds up quickly and takes away from my family as we don't have a lot of money either. I've always had to spend at least $30 on each kid, plus shipping costs, but I'm still looking for cheaper ideas. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BGndr Posted November 1, 2009 Share Posted November 1, 2009 In my family, we just buy for the little ones. My daughter is 4, and I have a sister who is 10. The adults play dirty Santa, and that's it. Husband's family is HUGE. He is one of 7. Then there are 5 in-laws, 2 kids and his parents. We usually draw names, but my MIL wants a limit of $75! Husband and I think that's asinine, so we don't usually participate. We buy for our nephew, and that's it. We are all adults, and I think a $75 limit is crazy. We would be expected to shell out $225 just on that side of the family. We spend $25-30 on my sister and maybe another $25 for dirty Santa. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CrazyMomOf4Boys Posted November 7, 2009 Share Posted November 7, 2009 we are lucky is we spend $100 per kid for our kids. parents are usually $50-$75 together. and kids we spend $25 each. we have 5 kids, so the only family that buys for them (on my side) is my mom and dad. my sis dosent buy for us. my DHs family OTOH is very generous. his parents like to spend $100 for each of us and DHs sisters family. his sis and us keep the spending to $50-$75 per couple and $25 per kid. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jbdinos Posted November 8, 2009 Share Posted November 8, 2009 Well in my family we only exchange with my one sister... I don't care to even see the rest of the family ... so she and I do kinda spoil each other's kiddos.... we don't have a limit... but we do go out of our way to get the kiddos things they enjoy.... due to my deal shopping all year round sometimes my neices get extras.... but they have a small family on their dad's side too so they enjoy it..... In my husband's family we used to buy for all of them.... but finally we got large enough that we draw adult names and kids names for gift exchanges.... we have a 25-30 dollar limit for adults and 10-15 for kids... at age 18 they go from kid to adult... unless it's a teen with a child of their own and having your own child makes you go to the adult exchange too.... It's easier... more economical... and all around still fun for the kids to get together for a pitch in meal... hang out and then exchange gifts.... The one thing I don't like is sometimes I spend less than I am supposed to .. like one year I got a 60.00 toy for 7.00 at a clearance sale... and it was just what my nephew would love.... and I asked his parents and they said not to get anything else with it... it was huge... lots of parts... and he has a brother so the toys pile up quick anyway.... but I had other family members mad that "she obviously went over the limit"... and basically saying I was a show off, etc... and I hadn't spent as much as I was supposed to... now who gets mad if you get too good of a deal? Of course that particular relative doesn't get mad if I have her kids names.... only if I have someone else's.... one of those But it works for us.... and I think the kids look more forward to the food than the gifts.... and several of the kids in the exchange have birthdays within a month of Christmas anyway.... so it seems to make the birthdays more special to them when they aren't on present overload from Christmas still.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nikkilugi Posted November 8, 2009 Share Posted November 8, 2009 In our family we do kids only and then a present for mom & dad/grandma & grandpa. I have a niece and a nephew on each side (mine and dh's). We buy for each of them and then we buy dh's mom a gift and my parents a gift. We have 3 kids and they each get a gift from their aunt on my dh's side and their uncle on my side. Last year my brother bought me a small gift and I felt crappy because I didn't get him anything. Not sure what will happen this year - I might buy him a gift certificate or something. We also still celebrate with my extended family on my mom's side. My mom is one of 7 kids. We go over to my grandma's house (kids' greatgrandma) on Christmas Eve and exchange gifts. It is basically the same there. Adults buy for kids. Since I am technically a kid some of the aunts and uncles will give my dh and I a gc but we do not expect it. I buy for my cousins. I have 7 ranging in age from 25 to 11 and I will buy each of them something as well since they are still the "kids". Everyone buys my grandma something. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjncmj Posted November 8, 2009 Share Posted November 8, 2009 You make a good point. I have always felt a little weird that he buys for all the kids but doesn't have any, so its like he is putting in and not getting anything back. I know the gifts are not the main focus of the holiday and he enjoys giving, but it has always felt a little lop-sided to me. My husband says we shouldn't worry about it, but I do feel like I should get him something. But then I worry that SIL will think I am trying to make her family look bad if we get him a gift and they don't. I don't want to hurt anyones feelings, but I am pretty much to the point where I think I should just do what I feel is right and live with the consequences, whatever they may be. You can't please all the people all the time, right?I'm a giver and I would be like your BIL and really enjoy buying for all the kids and everyone else and not expect anything in return. But I still think it would be really nice for him to get a token "we thought of you too" gift from you guys. I know that would make me feel good. Wouldn't matter what it was (as long as it was not an obvious re-gift item), just that I was thought of. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LuvMaerz Posted November 8, 2009 Share Posted November 8, 2009 Well, in your situation it is a little different... 1 child to 3 cousins. In our family, we used to buy for ALL. Between my husband's sisters and brother, plus our 2 girls, there are 10 kids. The last 3 or 4 years, we have just drawn names. Each kids name gets put in a hat, and each kid gets to draw 1 to buy for. (It can't be one of their siblings). So if you have two kids, you buy two presents... and you give what you get, I guess. We try to spend around $20/kid usually. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
celticnurse Posted November 8, 2009 Share Posted November 8, 2009 in our family we call folks like this "scorekeepers", and every family usually has one. in my family it's my mom and my oldest DD (she's 26 now and still scorekeeping) i think you've gotten some good advice here and i hope you are able to use some of it. i would definitely go w/the economy comments. after all, it's so true and it's nothing against her in a personal way. good luck in whatever you decide. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fluffkin79 Posted November 8, 2009 Share Posted November 8, 2009 Oh this whole subject makes me NUTSO. I can't stand "stingy relatives".......don't take that the wrong way..I don't have alot of money--especially this year--and I love/need BARGAINS to survive...but I hate when someone says ok $40 dollars for gift exchange--and then they buy you something that WAS worth 40 --a year ago, and is out-dated, out-of-style or something you'd NEVER wear/want...but hey it was $40 dollars--once. I've had this happen multiple times. Angers me because I work hard (search gottadeal, go out multiple times, do BF) to find people nice gifts... Here is my deal if I can't afford 40, I will say "let's do 30..." why pretend I can do 40..and try to cheat someone/give them lousy gift.....sometimes people are just going to get mad when you change limit but you have to say what you can afford. That is just life and sometimes you finances are better one year and not the next. Why "pretend" you will get a x-amount of dollar gift and then pass off something unwanted/cheap. I prefer honesty--even if someone can't afford to exchange at all that year. If the situation were reversed and I could not afford an exchange I'd want them to understand. And it is awful for people to say/agree on amount & then get you something crappy. . . we are talking people that should know you (me) --get what I mean? Me and my sis will agree on amount (it has gone up/down over the years).... if I say $50 with her then we know we will both spend the 50--and sometimes we end up getting each other what would really be $75-100 dollars worth of stuff because we do BF or tons of coupons, etc... but we always know we are getting something the other would/should love.... I/we don't operate like "well we said 50 dollars...and I found it for 25, so I get 25 extra in my pocket..." I have someone I know like that and we no longer exchange. . .And Finally I always give a receipt/gift voucher (so they will obviously know what I spent if they exchange size/need to return) --needless to say some of the worst gifts I have received have come without receipts...And I don't mean home-made gifts--I have received lovely things made from kids/adults that they put alot of time, and love into I am all for home-made.I understand where you are coming from. In our family the gift exchange has a limit of $20. I tend to spend the whole $20, but look for deals and often give gifts valued at much more. For example, last year an aunt wanted B&BW scentports. I waited until they were on sale and had a coupon so that I was able to give 2 scentports, refills, and some small lotions instead of the 1 I would have been able to buy otherwise. Most other people in the exchange would have gone to the store on a random day, bought the 1 scentport and something else to make up the difference to get to $20 and called it a day. However, if you are expected to spend $200 and your nephew has asked for an xbox you might be able to get it cheaper and make everyone happy. If you bought it at Walmart for $199 and got the $100 GC you could then use the GC to pay for gifts for other people, or "sell" the GC to your grocery budget, essentially making the xbox $100. Your nephew gets what he wants, you saved money, and his parents don't have to know that you got a deal - unless you want to tell them. After all, many people would just got to the store, pay the regular price, and be done with it. IMHO if put the time and energy into finding the deal then you have the right to choose what to do with the savings - you can keep it or pass it on (I would be very tempted to spend the GC on games and accessories to go with the xbox). Of course, this only works if you are giving something that people acutally want. I am not suggeting that you pick up that nasty sweater that has been sitting on a clearance rack since last year and claim it is worth the oringinal price. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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