Princess7915 Posted October 27, 2014 Share Posted October 27, 2014 (edited) Hi all - I have a tricky question and I could REALLY use some help here. My family, and Christmas List is pretty small. Hubby and I do gifts for each other usually and we have no kids. Last year we just traded one item. On his family's side we send to: One brother in college, one brother and wife - new baby this year. His two sisters (12, 13) and his dad and wife (joint gift because that woman is retched) Some years he sends to his mom and the sister (21) on that side--sometimes not. On my side we buy for my grandmother, mom and her spouse, my aunt and her spouse and two kids (13, 19). I also send to a few friends here and there something small $25 or less. So as you can see- the list is NOT that big. There are not those people you can easily cut. I could cut the "extra" friends BUT those are the only gift giving that makes me happy. None of these people expect anything and a small gift of friendship is appreciated. My issue is this: I could do without ALL of it. Hubby and I are not religious to say the least. We don't decorate, have a tree etc. My family is Christmas OVERLOAD - they decorate for WEEKS, cook, etc. It makes me crazy. My mom is the worst about gifts. We can open for more than an hour (I'm serious) and it's just such an insane display. I've tried for the past 3 years to get everyone to scale down...not buying is OUT of the question for all of them. NOT to sound horrible...but most of the stuff we get is just stuff we don't use or want. Hubby and I live a pretty lean and clean lifestyle. Not minimalist by any means - but not all the drawers full of junk if you know what I mean. NO ONE in the family gets this. They are all the more the better type people. They don't try to get or understand that I just don't like the whole Christmas Experience. Usually I just go along to get along but I'm tired of being so unhappy about all of it every year. HOW can I get my family (especially my mother) to STOP this Holiday Madness? Every time I mention it, she is just "hurt I won't let her buy me gift" all kinds of drama. And I can't be the schmuck that buys nothing when everyone else is buying piles. PLEASE HELP!! or share if you're in a similar boat. Edited October 27, 2014 by Princess7915 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stevierocks Posted October 27, 2014 Share Posted October 27, 2014 hmm this might be the worst group of people to try and encourage to drop christmas... that said, even though you might mot like christmas, or the joy of giving, you wont be bale to control others. this goes for a lot of things in life... not just christmas.. you can control yourself,you cant control others...believe me ..there are times i wish i could have...lolbut for christmas, if others enjoy it why take away their enjoyment? you can let them know ahead of time.. you do not plan to participate //// or just give a gift card so its easy. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Princess7915 Posted October 27, 2014 Author Share Posted October 27, 2014 Thanks! It's REALLY NOT that I hate Christmas. Though, admittedly, it sounds that way. I just think that people give presents for the sake of it, or they "have to" or whatever. And honestly a lot of the way I feel towards the holidays is more of family issues rather than a dislike of the holidays. I dislike the fact that I HAVE to do X and Y because that's how certain people want things with no re guard to what anyone else wants. My family has been an issue for several years now. My mom is remarried to this dude that NO ONE in the family (or her friends) likes -- but she refuses to recognize that it's awkward and no one cares for this man. I used to LOVE the holidays. I'm not a girl with "daddy" issues or care that my mom is remarried - I just honestly don't like this guy and I hate having to pretend we are a happy family every time we see each other. I suppose I just can't stand the falseness of it all. It's totally just ruined the holidays. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elmck Posted October 28, 2014 Share Posted October 28, 2014 My Dh decided about 9 years ago to stop doing Christmas with the family (long list of reasons) none of us were happy about it but we just keep doing what we want without him. I am sure your family would get over it and eventually just say oh they stopped celebrating with us a long time ago. I still spend Christmas with my kids and parents. I will go to my parents on the 19th of Dec. this year and stay until the 27th I think. I even go to my In-laws house (I have great in-laws) With the kids grown we do a gift exchange NO ONE is required to participate in the gift giving and we keep the budget $15 to $25 Some years the kids participate some years not. We do all gather to be together and see one another . My family knows I love to give to them so they are great about telling me what they want. I am also good about giving gift receipts in case I mess up and something needs to be returned. I would be disappointed and hurt if one of my kids that could come for Christmas did not come but not about giving gifts just because I want to see them. I hope you work things out so you can enjoy the holidays Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stevierocks Posted October 28, 2014 Share Posted October 28, 2014 Thanks! It's REALLY NOT that I hate Christmas. Though, admittedly, it sounds that way. I just think that people give presents for the sake of it, or they "have to" or whatever. And honestly a lot of the way I feel towards the holidays is more of family issues rather than a dislike of the holidays. I dislike the fact that I HAVE to do X and Y because that's how certain people want things with no re guard to what anyone else wants. My family has been an issue for several years now. My mom is remarried to this dude that NO ONE in the family (or her friends) likes -- but she refuses to recognize that it's awkward and no one cares for this man. I used to LOVE the holidays. I'm not a girl with "daddy" issues or care that my mom is remarried - I just honestly don't like this guy and I hate having to pretend we are a happy family every time we see each other. I suppose I just can't stand the falseness of it all. It's totally just ruined the holidays.if hes no good for her, hopefully in time she will see through him.. but i would not suggest ignoring her..sounds like you love her, and vica versa.. is there a way to do something around the holidays with her, even if it dont include him... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stacyk9 Posted October 28, 2014 Share Posted October 28, 2014 I suppose you have a few options here. 1. You could ask to draw names for the adults and limit the amount spent, but still buy for the kids under 21. 2. Don't buy for the adults, just kids. This is what we do and we love it!! 3. Send your Mom a list of gifts you would actually like to receive and would use. 4. Suck it up and take all the gifts you don't need to a shelter in your area. Holidays can certainly be tricky, but try to remember it's just one day out of 365. You can get through it. Hope it all works out! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Princess7915 Posted October 28, 2014 Author Share Posted October 28, 2014 Thanks all. I've been doing some thinking about this and trying to come up with a happy in-between. As for the suggestion to not include my moms husband- it isn't going to happen. She's pretty pushy about making him included..it sucks. In any case, I think I'm going to suggest a gift limit. As far as putting a budget on gifts, I kind of feel like what people spend is their business. So I'm hesitant to say we all only spend say $30 on each other...my mom would just do whatever she wanted anyway (she has in the past as this was the idea last year). BUT I'm hoping I'll get some positive feedback from them if I suggest limiting gifts to say 2 or 3 items. Buy someone 3 packs of gum or 3 sports cars...I don't care...but we'll have a magic number and hopefully that will limit some of the excess. I always feel terrible when after Christmas we donate or pitch things people have given us. I'm not an ungrateful person. We do all make wish-lists and I try to put smaller items I actually NEED on my list. I'd say it's 50/50 people shop from it....but last year was okay and not too much went by the wayside. I think most of my problem is the amount. It's not like I MIND sending a $50 gift basket to my hubby's brother and wife...or whoever. I just feel it's silly we "have to" in order not to be rude when we literally NEVER hear from them!!! We didn't even get a Thank You last year for the gift! It's ridiculous, to me, to spend hard earned money like that on people that CLEARLY don't appreciate it.... and that's part of why I don't like people wasting money on me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
momlori Posted October 28, 2014 Share Posted October 28, 2014 For those that don't at least say "Thank you", send a card and make a donation in their name to a charity you like. This way you know the money goes to a good cause and you have done your "duty" 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
freesia39 Posted October 28, 2014 Share Posted October 28, 2014 Whoa. Hi, other me. Except Christmas isn't a "huge" deal in my family overall, we've never made a big deal out of it. I didn't grow up with 20 presents to open on Christmas day, and I really do not want "things" that I do not need. I have a small apartment, and I really don't need more "stuff." I know the thought is nice, but I really DO NOT NEED MORE STUFF. Every time I move, I wind up purging. I'd rather go out with friends to dinner or nice brunches on weekends, and see family without the gift buying obligation, and it has only worked because it has never been a huge brouhahaha in my family. Heck, my parents haven't even been home the last couple of Christmases, since that's when they have time to take trips. TOTALLY understand the falseness. 100%. My recommendations are to see if they can cut back.1. Buy only for children under 18 their own gifts. Even at 16, the conversation needs to be had - do they need expensive gifts? At 16, I sure would have appreciated gift cards to say, a clothing store but I know some people are extremely against gift cards/cash gifts. Hell, if you gave me a gift card now to a restaurant, I'll be happy. 2. Do a drawing for gifting - each adult draws a name, and you say you buy each other 2 gifts or a dollar limit, whatever you think they can stomach.3. Suggest setting up lists - like on elfster - where you list items you need (like, I need a new food processor, and I would actually be appreciative if someone got that for me, rather than a crystal vase for flowers I never have in my home due to allergies) and everyone puts 10 items or stores they like to try to eliminate waste. On elfster, I think people can mark if an item has been purchased (doesn't say by who!) to eliminate duplicates. Christmas is, unfortunately, a very emotional time, and not everyone will be receptive. Culture changes are the hardest to navigate and steer, so best of luck. They also take TIME. If your mother is snarky, you'll be hearing it for a while. She sounds like the guilt trip queen, and it's a one way trip for you to guiltsville. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
julz0420 Posted October 28, 2014 Share Posted October 28, 2014 I would accept the fact that your mom is overboard on Christmas and there isn't much you will be able to do to fix that. Accept what she gives and donate it. If your (and his) family won't mind you scaling back then just buy for anyone under 18 (or 21) either offer to draw names OR cut off buying for adults and let them know your plans so it isn't awkward in Christmas if they come with gifts and you don't. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Princess7915 Posted October 28, 2014 Author Share Posted October 28, 2014 Yes Freesia39 - sounds like you and I ARE actually from the same planet!! Except for the fact that my parents have always been overboard - I had the piles and piles of stuff as a kid (not trying to sound spoiled...It just was what it was) And don't get me wrong...every dime of it went on a credit card - my parents didn't have that kind of money. And I hate financing the holidays, I truly don't understand why people do it. I would rather make a big deal of a birthday or wedding anniversary than some random December day. But that's not the common thought for for sure. I think I am compromising by suggesting a scale back - but everyone just thinks I'm "stealing" their Christmas from them. Whatever. If I"m supposed to respect how they feel..then I think I should get that reciprocated. I envy your parents...the holidays on a cruise or remote island sounds FANTASTIC away from all the mayhem. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
momlori Posted October 28, 2014 Share Posted October 28, 2014 You could always go out of town for the holidays and skip the whole thing 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
freesia39 Posted October 28, 2014 Share Posted October 28, 2014 You could always go out of town for the holidays and skip the whole thing Vegas is super cheap at Christmas. Seriously. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Princess7915 Posted October 28, 2014 Author Share Posted October 28, 2014 Ahh out of town would be a dream. Can I go from Thanksgiving to New Years??? LOL But---no money for a vacay right now Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LCPanther1975 Posted October 28, 2014 Share Posted October 28, 2014 Just suck it up and enjoy it. Someday maybe you will have kids/grandkids and maybe you will enjoy buying for them! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
freesia39 Posted October 29, 2014 Share Posted October 29, 2014 For those that don't at least say "Thank you", send a card and make a donation in their name to a charity you like. This way you know the money goes to a good cause and you have done your "duty"I was wondering how her family would react if she said "no, don't give me a gift - make a donation to XX instead." Or give me sporting events tickets. (and then troll everyone by asking for donations to causes they would vehemently oppose.. lol... ok maybe too far.) 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shopping4my3son Posted October 29, 2014 Share Posted October 29, 2014 Thanks all. I've been doing some thinking about this and trying to come up with a happy in-between. As for the suggestion to not include my moms husband- it isn't going to happen. She's pretty pushy about making him included..it sucks. In any case, I think I'm going to suggest a gift limit. As far as putting a budget on gifts, I kind of feel like what people spend is their business. So I'm hesitant to say we all only spend say $30 on each other...my mom would just do whatever she wanted anyway (she has in the past as this was the idea last year). BUT I'm hoping I'll get some positive feedback from them if I suggest limiting gifts to say 2 or 3 items. Buy someone 3 packs of gum or 3 sports cars...I don't care...but we'll have a magic number and hopefully that will limit some of the excess. I always feel terrible when after Christmas we donate or pitch things people have given us. I'm not an ungrateful person. We do all make wish-lists and I try to put smaller items I actually NEED on my list. I'd say it's 50/50 people shop from it....but last year was okay and not too much went by the wayside. I think most of my problem is the amount. It's not like I MIND sending a $50 gift basket to my hubby's brother and wife...or whoever. I just feel it's silly we "have to" in order not to be rude when we literally NEVER hear from them!!! We didn't even get a Thank You last year for the gift! It's ridiculous, to me, to spend hard earned money like that on people that CLEARLY don't appreciate it.... and that's part of why I don't like people wasting money on me. Send the gifts you receive from your family that you don't want to your hubby's brother and wife... 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AndreaInNC Posted October 29, 2014 Share Posted October 29, 2014 I stop buying for you if you cannot thank me for a gift. Either a quick email, text message or even a FB post. You can't be bothered to thank me, I won't be bothered to send a gift for the next occassion. Say something to me about it and I will politely tell you that I didn't send you another gift because I've been waiting for you to acknowledge the last gift I gave you. That's just plain rude. Since it's all about the thought of the gift and not the actual gift or amount of the gift itself, have you thought of making gifts this year? I do a green tomoato relish every few years and people love it. It's been a few years since I've made it ... so guess what everyone is getting this year from me. One year I found a way to make frames for their kids teenie tiny school photos to hang on their tree. Another year I did some of the mixes in a jar - brownie mixes, soup mixes .. it took me more time to make those gifts than to shop for one that isn't needed. You can't just totally stop - but you can scale back over the course of a few years. Just do a little less each year and a little less the next. Trust me it can be done. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Princess7915 Posted October 29, 2014 Author Share Posted October 29, 2014 Yes! I agree that we shouldn't send to the "rude" family LOL but I am vetoed on this by the DH SO I send a basket of some sort and it's at least the least amount of work. I did make a gift last year! I was struggling about weather to do something like that again. I make Limoncello - so everyone got a bottle. The stuff takes MONTHS to make and I really enjoy it--so I thought everyone else would. Not suitable for Grandma or kids though lol. I'd say they liked it enough but thought it was strange. So whatever. Last year it was part of my scaling back -- I bought 2 things for everyone. I told them in advance I wasn't doing "all the stuff" and I don't think it went over real well but I just didn't care. I think it takes more time and planning to buy just one or two things for someone. You want to be sure they will like what you got. I did the whole ask for a charity gift last two years for my b-day. Only my mom did it...but she also bought like 5 "gifts" for me So it defeated the whole point LOL. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hack2222 Posted November 2, 2014 Share Posted November 2, 2014 What about just buying One gift per family make it useful food something like that 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ytmomof4 Posted November 2, 2014 Share Posted November 2, 2014 What our family does is draw names on thanksgiving with a $20-$25 limit and we do a white elephant game gift of $10-$15 limit.Maybe that's a suggestion you could bring up to your family. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
peppysfireball Posted November 3, 2014 Share Posted November 3, 2014 My sister tries every year to get us to draw names. It doesn't work. My husbands family used to do it when his mohter was alive and some people woud buy yard sale crap and I would go out and get something nice on sale at the limit. I once even found a 1.00 yard sale sticker on my item. I tell her it won't work. For one thing my mother has said she will never do it. My mohter complains every year that she hates the shopping. She won't get up early enough on black friday to get the deals and I"ve already got mine online. I love to shop. I love to give. I have a xmas club that i pay into every year and I buy my kids at least a dozen presents each. At hour family xmas we give each other 1 present. I don't think you should ever try to stop someone elses holiday celebration. It isn't right just because you don't feel the same way. That doesn't mean you have to buy as much, but if it makes them happy, it is wrong to try and ruin it for them. I'm not religious at all and my kids are atheists. We do it for the giving. I love the xmas trees and putting up my village. Seeing family. I make a lot of presents also. But don't ever try and change someone else because you don't feel the same way Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shay Posted November 11, 2014 Share Posted November 11, 2014 My side of the family has always been extravagant. I always woke up to 1/2 the living room covered. My husband's side would only do a few...... I always wanted the girls to have Christmases like I had..... now they're 11 and 9. We've scaled back a LOT the last few years. They would end up bored opening everything. Then, it would all go on their floors and broken or whatever before the week was out. My family would love the fact that the girls had such a "great Christmas" but for my husband and I (and our girls) it would be crazy stressful. Way over the top. No one needed that. Now the girls will get maybe 5 things individually, and then a few joint gifts. my husband and I just basically buy what we need and then put it under the tree (We just bought a house. there are several things we need) Once I got across to my family that we aren't going to be excessive anymore, things have *kinda* calmed down. But they were for sure sad about it. Things are just so much easier for our family of 4 when we don't overdo it. My husband's side of the family is fun. They're festive and we play games and enjoy each other. we have a small gift exchange, and my MIL would love all things homemade. She would rather people not even get her anything. We love going to her house on Christmas 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cinnamonhuskies Posted November 11, 2014 Share Posted November 11, 2014 Grin and bear it. Yeah. Seriously. I really pissed off my sister a few years back because I wanted to stop the gifts between us and her adult kids and my adult kids. None of us really needed/wanted/enjoyed her gifts and she always tried to be as 'cheap' as possible (not thrifty, mind you) so its not like it was the thought that counts in her case.So now I have a pissed off sister, oh well, I am happier just sending her a card (across country from me) and a few food gifts at Christmas, and just cards at birthdays. Same with dh's family. We just aren't close. Buy for those you feel led to buy for...than truly means something! I'm not a scrooge......I like Christmastime, but the stress to buy and do and make everyone happy sucks. By November first I am ready for January. Just skip the whole darn thing. Anyway I am happier keeping it simpler now. I wish i could scale back even more. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cinnamonhuskies Posted November 11, 2014 Share Posted November 11, 2014 What about family members that donate to charity in your name as a gift....and it's THEIR preferred charity not YOURS?! Happens to me. Like 'well thanks but I don't agree with your charity and their vision"..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Princess7915 Posted November 11, 2014 Author Share Posted November 11, 2014 Thanks for all the suggestions guys. About 2 weeks ago my aunt and my mom and I got together to discuss the holidays. I think my aunt is okay with our agreement..I can say for sure my mom is pissed. Oh well. We agreed that what people spend is their business...we agreed on 3 items per person as a gift guide. Honestly, I don't know how much of a scale back this is for me. Last year I stuck to 2 or 3 items and was happy about it. What I CAN say is that it should even it out some. Last year I was the one who bought 2 or 3 gifts and seemed cheap while everyone else bought like 5 things per person. Though you have to get that some of the items are really inexpensive. Which IS FINE...however I think the 3 item limit will make people think a bit more about what they buy and not just pick up so much randomness. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
redraccoon Posted November 12, 2014 Share Posted November 12, 2014 (edited) Give a nice framed family picture to those "have to give a gift" people Tell the extended family that you have massively scaled back this year in order to have the opportunity to spend time with your spouse/kids - then go on a mini vaca for Christmas Eve and Day .... make sure they know you will not be at the extended family gatherings. Heck even if you just go to a hotel in the next town over - it might just be a nice break for you! Edited November 12, 2014 by redraccoon 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kardomr Posted November 12, 2014 Share Posted November 12, 2014 include your mom's hubby not because you love him but because you love her. buy what you want and spend what you want. that's the nature of a gift. and practice smiling if anyone has a comment and saying something lovely and non-confrontational like, i think it's been a nice holiday. i'm happy to spend it with you all. so, have you seen any good movies/read any good books lately? could you pass the potatoes? good luck.:)r Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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