hopeky94 Posted November 16, 2009 Posted November 16, 2009 Background: I have one brother and one sister. Both are several yrs older than me and married with kids and grandkids (sis has 2 daughters and 2 granddaughters; bro has 2 sons and 1 grandson). I'm a single 30-something with no kids. My siblings and I all live within a mile of our parents, who are retired and have a fairly limited income. Our tradition is we all get together for Christmas breakfast, then open gifts as a family each year. Every year, I end up being the one to get everybody's info regarding Christmas gifts. Last year for the first time, the adults drew names for $25 gifts instead of buying for everyone (but we all still bought for the four kids under 18 and for our parents). It didn't go perfectly (some really put thought in it, while others bought gift cards), but I thought it went well considering.... So I emailed sis, sis-in-law, and 2 adult nieces (bro and adult nephew don't do email) last week to get sizes and wish lists for kids, plus discuss if we want to do same thing for adult gifts this year or change it up somehow. Sis and nieces want to do some variation of last year's deal, and I had no reason to believer sis-in-law would be any different, since she hadn't called or written back and bro didn't mention it over the weekend. Today, I open an email from sis-in-law, sent late Saturday night to me and sis... I replaced names, but the rest is the same below:(Brother) and I have talked it over and the two of us are going to have to sit out this year (finances). We are planning to get your mom & dad gifts, as well as (Great-nieces). We would like (15 yr old son) to still be included in the "youngster group". I will check with (other son and daughter-in-law), but I'm sure they would at least want (Grandson) to be included. I'll let you know about them as soon as I know something. We love everyone so very much and don't want our decision to change how the rest of you guys do Christmas gifts. :shock: I have NO idea what to do now, and sis suggested that we "think about it a little longer" and sent an email to nieces to try to get more ideas. This is the first we've heard of any real money problems for them, and while sis-in-law is reserved and sensitive, bro tends to tell us everything that's going on in their lives (sometimes a little too much- lol)... I have no idea how (or if) to approach her about this and certainly don't want to cause any hard feelings anywhere! And I can't keep from wondering if they've already spent oodles on their sons and grandson, like they tend to do every year... Anyone ever been in this type situation before and have any advice on how to handle (and hopefully resolve!) this?? TIA for any and ALL help!!!
missyjane Posted November 16, 2009 Posted November 16, 2009 Perhaps you might consider just doing an exchange for the children and gifting to your parents. If there are adults who want to participate than maybe you could do a theme of needed items for a local shelter or other charity and donate your items to them. Or...let the adults participate who want to participate and then let the others do what they want. It sounds to me like they have given it a lot of thought and are choosing not to participate for reasons that they may or may not want to share with you. The economy has a lot of people scared right now. Even if they aren't truly experiencing "money problems" that are visible to the outside, the cost of living has dramatically increased this year as businesses and utilities raise their costs to recapture some of their lost revenue. Plus...you never know what's going to happen tomorrow even in what you would assume is a stable job. It's always good to prepare for the future. We used to exchange for everyone years ago but cut back on the gifts over the last several years. At first I was upset, thinking that it would change Christmas....it hasn't. Gifts aren't what makes Christmas.
1angelnhvn Posted November 16, 2009 Posted November 16, 2009 We have this alot in our family! We have those who put a ton of thought into getting presents and those who just buy a gift card and basically exchange money for money. I like gift cards too but we usually have a 50$ gift and draw names as well! I could see part of the gift being a card and the rest an actual item. I love to see how much I can get someone for my 50$ and am an avid Black Friday shopper and always get good deals and quite a few items for the person I draw. We always have those who DON'T participate and those who do and always buy for the kids. It doesn't affect our Christmas although at present time it may be a little akward, but we move on and that's that. This year we have a few more not wanting to participate because times are tough. I'd prefer to just buy for the parents and kids. My brothers and I have even stopped doing a gift exchange and worked nicely last year.
jerica388 Posted November 16, 2009 Posted November 16, 2009 I agree with missyjane that gifts aren't what make Christmas. That being said, I do like to see the kids open presents. My husband has one brother who is married with three kids and one who is single with none. We have two kids. A few years ago SIL and I were talking about it, and discussed the fact that all we were doing each year (between the adults) is exchanging gift cards. The single BIL agreed. Between the five of us (me, dh, single bil, married bil and sil) we decided that we would not exchange gifts between the five of us the next year. We all buy for the five little ones and my mil and fil. It is nice to see mil/fil open their gifts and we all enjoy watching the kids open theirs. I really did not miss the exchange between the five of us much at all. Last year single bil surprised everyone by buying gifts for everyone. He said that he had no one else to buy for (wife, kids) and he did not expect anything in return. He wanted to buy us a gift and that was that. This left the four of us (who did not buy him anything) feeling very uncomfortable. Not only did he buy for all our kids, he bought for us too. So I was talking to sil last week and asked her if she thought we should buy for single bil this year, or maybe draw names between the five of us (in hopes he wouldn't feel the need to buy for everyone). To confuse things even more, single bil has a gf now, and she will be spending the holidays with us too. We don't know if he will want to buy for everyone, or if he will be content to go back to the way it was before since he now has a gf to lavish gifts on. I guess the point of my rambling is that no matter what you do, make sure that the expectations are clear before the big day and make sure to respect other people's wishes. If there is a financial reason they do not want to participate, don't force them. And don't buy them gifts anyway telling them you expect nothing in return - that leaves them feeling like cads (voice of experience speaking). One other thing: In your post you said you wondered if they already spent a lot of money on their gs like they do every year. It is possible that they are having to spend a little less on him than in the past and decided that they would rather take that little bit of money they would spend on the adult gift exchange and add it to what they would be able to spend on the grandson. Bottom line: try not to get too bogged down in this. It can only ruin your holiday if you let it.
Elmck Posted November 16, 2009 Posted November 16, 2009 I have five adult children of which 4 are married, and a dd6. All six of my kids and the four in-laws draw names. I call them and ask them if they want to be in the gift exchage, if they say no that is fine and it does change from year to year. I try to stay out of their affairs so I don't ask why I just respect their decision. I have had to cut my budget more than half for Christmas this year. It makes me sad but the kids (all but DD6) totally understand the financial strain.
Deal Grabber Posted November 17, 2009 Posted November 17, 2009 We have 11 ppl on my Dh side and 9 on my side and we ALL exchange gifts with each other.I know Christmas isnt about the presents but it is about giving.I would be lost without the spirit that gift exchanging brings for me.Even if it is somehting as simple as a pair of cozzy socks or a preety pic frame.
tntsmomie Posted November 17, 2009 Posted November 17, 2009 Honestly, I don't think there's much you can do other than to respect their wishes and make changes to your plans accordingly. I can relate to money being tight. In years past, we've always felt strapped at the holidays b/c my in-laws tend to spend WAY more on us than we can on them (b/c we have 2 young children). There are so many holidays that I feel guilty about the amount differences, and I'm just now learning to accept it. We do what we can and put lots of thought into what we get. Plus, we have to expense of shipping several boxes cross-country...postage adds up! Whatever your SILs reasons are, she obviously has them, and was a little worried about telling you (sending the email late at night, waiting to respond to your request). Please don't let it worry you too much...
mom2monkiesx3 Posted November 17, 2009 Posted November 17, 2009 Maybe lower the gift giving AMOUNT. We exchange with one family that doesn't make 1/2 of what we make in a year so we set the gift limit to $5-$10 per person. It is great to still get a small gift and get the joy of exchanging with them without breaking the bank...
Karmarose Posted November 17, 2009 Posted November 17, 2009 We are doing something similar, but limiting the price of gifts to the adults. At our other family xmas celebration we draw names on Thanksgiving and have a price limit of $20. Its fun and everyone gets to see everyone open one gift.
vsa3janes Posted November 17, 2009 Posted November 17, 2009 Up until last year everyone bought for the kids and if they could afford to the adults. There were years when one member didn't buy and that's okay with everyone. Suddenly last year one family member decided we should pick names. She is very bossy and opinionated and didn't let the subject drop until people just finally gave in and picked names. This let to problems, everyone was to buy for the kids - some did some didn't. Then this year someone suggested since there are so many kids now (under high school age) everyone's name goes in to the pot and everyone draws. Some liked this, bossy person didn't and drove the conversation again to say adults should pick and everyone buy for kids. Long story short, not everyone is pleased but tired of talking about it with bossy person. Mom, DD & I decided we would opt out of the exchange and give gifts as we always have. This has caused so much drama in our family. I think everyone should have the choice to give or not give whatever they feel as a family they can do. I buy because I enjoy giving and since I bargain shop all year long it doesn't cost me an arm and leg to do so. If someone doesn't give to me that is okay. I have told them often giving me gifts doesn't mean you love me more or less and don't ever feel awkward if you don't. They know I have done this every year for the last 30 years and are all ok with it. Good luck with whatever direction you go. I agree with the other poster, don't let it ruin the holiday or why your family gets together to begin with. To share your love for each other.
hopeky94 Posted November 17, 2009 Author Posted November 17, 2009 Thanks everyone for all your thoughts and ideas... I'm still struggling with this, but your responses have made it a little less stressful! :) Here's what I'm having trouble understanding: This will be the first year in her adult life that sis-in-law no longer works outside the home (was missing a lot due to health issues, so she quit). So I do understand that makes money issues a bigger deal than ever before, even though bro makes a "good" salary. But-- she is a very creative person and is good at things like matting pictures, flower arrangements, and graphic designing. She doesn't cook often, but I know she is good at it when she does. Wouldn't it make more sense to put those talents to use and create unique and thoughtful (but inexpensive) gifts, than to just completely "sit out" of the gift-giving?? Like I mentioned before, she's a reserved and sensitive person, but she does have a good heart and I hate for them to miss out. I'm just not sure I could handle exchanging gifts while they can only watch. Would it be wrong for me to try to convince her to reconsider participating, either with a lower $ amount for everyone or personalized gifts that she could create? How would I even go about it, without sounding like I'm begging or badgering??
Kim3498 Posted November 17, 2009 Posted November 17, 2009 I had the same problem last year. My SIL called me and said they had to cut back on expensese due to financial reasons. They wanted to buy for my son and no one else. I had no problem with that, but I had already purchased their presents and decided to go ahead and give it to them. It seemed to make them feel awkward. I don't want to do that again. Anyway, this year she has not let me know what she wants to do so I am not sure what she expects. I have called her a couple of times, hoping she would mention it but she hasn't. I am a person who never waits last minute (usually done by mid-October). Not sure what to do in this situation.
tntsmomie Posted November 17, 2009 Posted November 17, 2009 Thanks everyone for all your thoughts and ideas... I'm still struggling with this, but your responses have made it a little less stressful! :) Here's what I'm having trouble understanding: This will be the first year in her adult life that sis-in-law no longer works outside the home (was missing a lot due to health issues, so she quit). So I do understand that makes money issues a bigger deal than ever before, even though bro makes a "good" salary. But-- she is a very creative person and is good at things like matting pictures, flower arrangements, and graphic designing. She doesn't cook often, but I know she is good at it when she does. Wouldn't it make more sense to put those talents to use and create unique and thoughtful (but inexpensive) gifts, than to just completely "sit out" of the gift-giving?? Like I mentioned before, she's a reserved and sensitive person, but she does have a good heart and I hate for them to miss out. I'm just not sure I could handle exchanging gifts while they can only watch. Would it be wrong for me to try to convince her to reconsider participating, either with a lower $ amount for everyone or personalized gifts that she could create? How would I even go about it, without sounding like I'm begging or badgering?? Could you change it so that everyone does something homemade?
vsa3janes Posted November 17, 2009 Posted November 17, 2009 Thanks everyone for all your thoughts and ideas... I'm still struggling with this, but your responses have made it a little less stressful! :) Here's what I'm having trouble understanding: This will be the first year in her adult life that sis-in-law no longer works outside the home (was missing a lot due to health issues, so she quit). So I do understand that makes money issues a bigger deal than ever before, even though bro makes a "good" salary. But-- she is a very creative person and is good at things like matting pictures, flower arrangements, and graphic designing. She doesn't cook often, but I know she is good at it when she does. Wouldn't it make more sense to put those talents to use and create unique and thoughtful (but inexpensive) gifts, than to just completely "sit out" of the gift-giving?? Like I mentioned before, she's a reserved and sensitive person, but she does have a good heart and I hate for them to miss out. I'm just not sure I could handle exchanging gifts while they can only watch. Would it be wrong for me to try to convince her to reconsider participating, either with a lower $ amount for everyone or personalized gifts that she could create? How would I even go about it, without sounding like I'm begging or badgering??Even though you make items it can still be expensive. At times I have spent more to make a gift than if I would have bought one. Wonder if they drink Coke? My dd has been able to do most of her shopping using Coke rewards. She bought the tweens phone skins, cousins magazine subscriptions, Grandparents photo books, etc.
tn20 Posted November 17, 2009 Posted November 17, 2009 On my dad's side, we always have issues because there is nothing set. Everyone seems to buy for whoever and it has led to some hard feelings. My dad's parents, my dad, and all of his siblings are all considered well off, some more than others, but the lowest on the totem pole probably making $150,000 a year and the highest probably $400,000, we live in an area where the median income is $30K/year so finances are not a problem for any of them. All of my cousins, however, like my family, are probably considered lower middle class. My grandparents and dad/step-mom, buy EVERYONE in the family NICE gifts that they put a lot of time and thought into purchasing (siblings, children, grandchildren, neices & nephews, grandchildren of siblings, great grandchildren) but my dad's siblings only buy for their family and in the off chance they buy something for anyone else, it is something that I'm pretty certain was grabbed off the shelf at the dollar store. Last year we moved our celebration from my grandparents up to my dad's house where it is just grandparents, parents, and my siblings and our kids because of all the drama. I definately don't think that gifts are the meaning of Christmas and if we didn't exchange gifts at all, I would be perfectly fine with it, but it is insulting to my parents when they buy a $300 set of pots and pans for my cousin and my dad's sibling gives his kids nothing and his grandkids a package of Play-Doh. But now that it is up at my dad's, its a lot less stressful. I do have a problem because my grandparents and parents have so much more money that my family, so I always think, "Anything I can buy for them, they could buy one a hundred times better." So I try to stick with homemade things and they really like that! This year I'm going to make my dad and step-mom a book of pictures of my kids on Shutterfly.com and make my grandparents coffee mugs with family pics on them. Plus, I make them cookies, fudge, and bread, which they always like. On my mom's side, we buy for my grandparents and neice, then for mom, step-dad, sister, BIL, me, & DH we have a competition. Each couple has a $5 per person limit and we have to find the best gift for $5 or less. Either something humorous or something that really fits that person. Each couple also puts $5 into a pot and then we vote on the best gift. The couple that bought the best gift gets the pot. So it is only $25 and seriously SO much fun! Everyone puts so much thought and effort into each other's gifts, which to me is the true meaning of Christmas. Caring about someone enough to not only spend your money, but more importantly, spend your time looking for something that they will really enjoy. My sister bought me 12" long, crazy one legged bird pen which a carried around in my purse and used to sign checks, etc. until it ran out of ink. And even now, I still have it in my pen cup. When its time for us to exchange our gifts, I feel like a kid again, so excited to see what weird thing I'm going to find in my packages. A ton of fun, very little money, and no drama! Maybe you could suggest doing something like that? You could cut the pot out as well, to trim back the money a little more if things are really tight for them. And of course, your budget could be whatever. We have considered doing a $1 Dollar Tree Challenge, too. Where everyone has $1 per person at the Dollar Tree and has to find something that they think fits each person's personality.
tinkrbel Posted November 22, 2009 Posted November 22, 2009 Like I mentioned before, she's a reserved and sensitive person, but she does have a good heart and I hate for them to miss out. I'm just not sure I could handle exchanging gifts while they can only watch. Would it be wrong for me to try to convince her to reconsider participating, either with a lower $ amount for everyone or personalized gifts that she could create? How would I even go about it, without sounding like I'm begging or badgering??Good Luck whatever your approach. I'm trying to figure this one out, but the whole e-mail approach is throwing me. Are they out of area? Was it convenience? I think email can be impersonal and has greater chance of being misinterpreted (no tone, inflection, etc), so I would not respond in email format else it may come across as badgering. I think the easiest thing would be a phone call to either SIL or brother letting them know you got the email and you are fine with their decision but asking if they would be interested in another variation. Personally, I would go to my brother since I know he will tell me straight either way.
Marian2007 Posted December 10, 2009 Posted December 10, 2009 get everyone together and do an outdoor portrait.rule can be no sweats or pajamas.that whould be simple
triplej2002 Posted December 14, 2009 Posted December 14, 2009 I know this is kind of late, but have you heard of "Chinese Christmas". We have way too many family members to buy for everyone, so that is what we do. You can set a limit of $5.00 or $10.00 per person (or whatever limit you want). Each person brings a wrapped gift to your gathering and that evening you all draw numbers. The person with number one gets to pick first out of the pile of gifts. Then number two takes their turn... they can pick a new gift or take the first person's gift. Then the person that drew number three goes next... they can pick a new wrapped gift or take one from person 1 or 2. And everyone goes until all gifts have been picked (I'm sure you can find more exact rules for this game online). It's a fun game for the adults to participate in (we buy for the kids)... everyone still gets to open a gift and it doesn't break the bank. We always have a blast playing this game and we've had all kinds of gifts from Krispie Kreme doughnuts and coffee, to lottery tickets, to a bag full of comical "adult" items, (we aren't exactly a proper and formal family, lol), nice flatware, and everything else in between. This is just a suggestion.
aleighc1 Posted December 14, 2009 Posted December 14, 2009 Thanks everyone for all your thoughts and ideas... I'm still struggling with this, but your responses have made it a little less stressful! :) Here's what I'm having trouble understanding: This will be the first year in her adult life that sis-in-law no longer works outside the home (was missing a lot due to health issues, so she quit). So I do understand that makes money issues a bigger deal than ever before, even though bro makes a "good" salary. But-- she is a very creative person and is good at things like matting pictures, flower arrangements, and graphic designing. She doesn't cook often, but I know she is good at it when she does. Wouldn't it make more sense to put those talents to use and create unique and thoughtful (but inexpensive) gifts, than to just completely "sit out" of the gift-giving?? Like I mentioned before, she's a reserved and sensitive person, but she does have a good heart and I hate for them to miss out. I'm just not sure I could handle exchanging gifts while they can only watch. Would it be wrong for me to try to convince her to reconsider participating, either with a lower $ amount for everyone or personalized gifts that she could create? How would I even go about it, without sounding like I'm begging or badgering??If you heard nothing about money issues up until now, perhaps it was very hard for them to tell you. If that could possibly be the case, don't drag out the issue. How would they feel if you gave them a small gift, even though they couldn't give one back? If you think this would not make them uncomfortable, then give them something small, and then they won't be left out. If this would make them uncomfortable, just let it be and wait until next year. Two years ago my husband and I opted out of the big family exchange. We just didn't have the funds for it even though all the adults draw names. My cousin and grandma bought DH and I a $75 gift card to JC Penny, even though we weren't exchanging gifts. I was very touched they thought of us during a hard time. I realize not everyone likes to get a gift on Christmas when they have no gift to give in return, but we felt very blessed. I would have probably been upset and a bit hurt if my family had tried to convince us to participate after we explained we couldn't due to finances. Respect their decision and hope things turn around for them soon.
stacyk9 Posted December 14, 2009 Posted December 14, 2009 Put yourself in their position. If you and your family were suddenly put in a financial strain and could only buy presents for the children and parents, wouldn't you want everyone in the family to respect your wishes? I'm sure it was hard for your SIL to even ask. I should know, because that's my situation this year. I had to ask my DH's sister and my brother if we could skip the gift exchange this year and just buy for the children. Turns out, they were also thinking the same thing, but were to embarrassed to ask first!! Also, I would not give them anything because it would only make them feel worse. Everyone is feeling the crunch this year and, yes, it is fun to exchange gifts on Christmas, but frankly it's not a requirement! If they are okay with not exchanging gifts, then that is their decision and should be respected.
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