To buy or not to buy?

[cassgurlie04]

oh no worries i will have a great time, and my focus as always will be on the kids, its just ashame my dh and his family are being royal pains in the rear.

[mcapel4444]

My sil's family draws names for the adults, and they always buy something for all the kids. Our family isn't too out of control- 7 adults & 9 kids, so I usually buy for everyone. Of course we shop at the thrift stores, garage sales, and clearance. That coupled with the things that I've won, it isn't too awful bad moneywise. I also like the idea of making something for the adults. How about putting together a famly cookbook? Ask everyone for a few of their fave recipes, print them up with pics if possible, and put them together.

[JackJack]

I LOVE Christmas. But I think, adult gifts are kind of silly. Of course, I buy for my parents and my husband...but I think most adults, have more fun watching kids open stuff!

[ann129]

Christmas eve every year is spent at my hubbys grandmothers with about 50 people. We in the past have tried to buy something small for almost every person there, yet not everyone there gives gifts. I suggested to my hubby that we just buy for the kids this year and of course his mom and grandparents but that we didnt need to give gifts to every adult there and he said he would feel funny doing that. Im not sure why he would feel funny but wanted to know if anyone else has a situation where there is a large number of people and how do you decide who to buy for?

i think your idea is great, i don't know what his problem is.

 

well how about calling everyone and suggesting a secret Santa, where you each buy for one person or family i know you said some do not buy but the might get into the idea

[BrandyJervas]

even just $5/ person that's still $250 way out of anyone's budget these days I'd say forget them all don't buy for anyone except the kids and tell the rest of them you forgot the gifts at home and you'll get them next time lol. But seriously I wouldn't buy for any if that was the way they wanted to be about it. I have a huge family and so does my fiance we buy the kids and our parents and one or two aunts and call it a day if someone gets mad they don't get a gift too bad for them they didn't get us anything either and we have 3 kids to buy for.

[guardado4]

ok now can you believe this......... i wasted my time calling 5 adults last nite for them each to say that if we didnt wanna give gifts to everyone they would understand but they were still gonna buy for everyone. WTHeck. I give up.

This happened to us last year with my hubby's family - We asked if everyone would want to draw names, they said no, we told them we could not buy for everyone since my dh had quit his job to attend police academy for 6mos, they said they understood but wanted to buy for everyone. On Christmas, I felt like such a looser because they all bought us gifts and we only bought for his parents. Not sure what they are doing this year. Hubby is working this year, but I still don't want to buy for all of them. Call me cheap, but I don't think I should have to buy for people that I only see 4 -5 times a year. I have no idea what they would even want. Ugh, what to do?

[mgmckny]

This happened to us last year with my hubby's family - We asked if everyone would want to draw names, they said no, we told them we could not buy for everyone since my dh had quit his job to attend police academy for 6mos, they said they understood but wanted to buy for everyone. On Christmas, I felt like such a looser because they all bought us gifts and we only bought for his parents. Not sure what they are doing this year. Hubby is working this year, but I still don't want to buy for all of them. Call me cheap, but I don't think I should have to buy for people that I only see 4 -5 times a year. I have no idea what they would even want. Ugh, what to do?

That is why we went to the buy for the kids (and our mothers) policy. We live less than a hour from DH's brother but we only see them maybe 2 times a year (and if DH is hurting we don't make the drive then). Plus we all can buy pretty much anything that another family member can afford to give us. Every now and then I will see something that would be perfect or is so funny that I can't pass it up.

[BabyBear24kGold]

well my family is smal but hubbys is huge we mostly buy for all the kids and not for adults except for my mom and sis and so on but others we dont we pay attention to kids mostly

[jbdinos]

In my family I have 2 sisters/brother/8 neices/nephews and 4 of them are married with their own kids.... I suggested 4 years ago to either draw names or do the white elephant.... the oldest sister wouldn't hear of it and quite honestly since then some things she has done has made us stop talking to her because of problems better not discussed... anyway parents agreed, 1 sister/brother refused... said they would do the draw "for us" but intended to buy for everyone anyway. So we went ahead that year and they have quite a bit more money or more credit than us and I honestly felt horrible getting several nice things from each person and bringing just one nice thing for each of them. So the next year I said "I cannot afford this and I would like to get together for games/food/etc but I request no gifts for us as it makes me feel terrible that I cannot afford to reciprocate." Everyone said "cool" but they never once made a date to get together and they don't send gifts and neither do we.

 

We send a card with pics of the kids and a "call me sometime" message and we hear nothing from them except a return Christmas card. Now I have one sister that is cool (like me..lol) and she and I were in agreement. However now in the past 4-5 years we have become the only family the other has on that side so we give gifts to her/BIL/kids... but then she is my best friend and sister and she is so appreciative and knows it isn't about the cost, but the thought... so we exchange with her...

 

DH's family is more complicated... we suggested name draws and got the evil look like we offered to hurt someone.... so a year or two later one of his sisters had a hard time and suggested a name draw on his dad's side... so his grandparents, dad/step mom, and all adult brothers/sisters and as they become adults our kids/neices/nephews go into a drawing and all the kids go into a drawing. Having 5 kids we did end up buying the most gifts when it started but now we don't just get the other 5 kids since there are more of them now... lol... we do put back if we get a sibling or a spouse in the drawing and redraw.... and the kids enjoy it as they get to pick out, wrap, etc the gift for the kids (10-15) and we only have to do 2 adults (20-25). Then we get together for food and fun and it's all good.

 

If someone can't make it they are expected to have their gift at the host home prior to the dinner and usually everyone does make it. They are then expected to pick up their gift at their first available time as well. So far I think only 1 person didn't make it one year. We've done this for 4 or 5 years now and it's working great as the family grows. My only complaint is we wait too late to draw.

 

Now DH's mom is set on the you have to give everyone a gift and it's just her/her parents/and DH's little brother so it's not a financial burden and she "threatens" us with drawing names... ummm....because we would get everyone and it would be the same # of gifts as we do now. I guess she doesn't see that? But she sees drawing names as a negative thing.. but then again she is very very greedy and selfish. This all from a woman that will not buy my adult DD a gift because at age 20 with only her DH working and 2 small children she can't afford to do it right now. However we always get an extra gift for each person and we include DD and her family on the "from" part of the gifts. She says "step grand children" are NOTHING to her so I have to endure this and find the joy of giving to someone ungrateful... .but it's what I do to keep peace in the family as it's not like it's a huge ordeal like my greedy family was.

 

So I feel your pain of feeling like you "have to" do it and in the same situation with basically 3 families we have handled it 3 different ways.... I am sharing just so you can know you are not alone... as I know most of these ideas have been addressed.

 

I think since you brought it up to the adults you should make a homemade goodie or a "mix in a jar" gift for each of the adults and maybe try to find some people that will go along with you to get a group decision on it? Look for the people that seem overwhelmed and jealous that you were brave enough to not actually spend so much... they will be your greatest allies and hopefully in time one of the "we have to do this for everyone" people will see it your way too?

 

GOOD LUCK and have a good holiday no matter how you decide to deal with it

[2BoysMom]

I'm from a big family and the spending was getting to be WAY too much. One of my brothers asked if we would be offended if they just bought for our sons. That was fine by me, so this year we are going to do kids only gifts. We would rather just spend time together eating and being merry so it works out great. The other thing we do is if you aren't going to be at Christmas, we don't mail gifts. I know that might sound rough, but postage is outrageous. It also doesn't make my siblings that can't come feel pressured to send my boys something. We tossed around the gift card idea one year, but didn't do it.

[Tara3117]

My DH decided 2 Christmas ago to not celebrate Christmas at all anymore. He does not go to any family events buy presents, or join me and the kids for any family traditions. If your hubby is celebrating with you and wants to buy all the adults gifts, I would help him shop and enjoy every single minute of it.

That sounds so sad!

 

My family is pretty small. My aunts and uncles still give small gifts to me and my cousins. This year, one of my cousins will have a brand new baby and I am definitely planning on getting her something small. I'll be lucky if I even see my Dad's family at Christmas, and if I do get to see them, that would be present enough for me. We're so out of touch with that side that we wouldn't know what to get!

 

My boyfriend's family is much bigger. His mom's side tried drawing names, but everyone got everyone something anyway, so what's the point. We just get presents for his grandparents and don't worry about his aunts and uncles. We're much closer to his dad's side (it's actually how we met). We give presents to his cousins' 3 kids and this year we're doing a gift card swap. We used to draw names by couple but everyone ended up doing gift cards anyway, so we figured it would be more fun this way.

 

So, long story short, if your husband is comfortable getting everyone a gift (and your budget allows), go for it. If it's a chore or you don't feel like the favor is returned, I would just do the kids and the significant people and forget the rest.

[theboyzmom]

several years ago I called my dh's brother and wife and asked if they would be ok with just getting gifts for kids and they said it was a great idea. They make less money than us and I was going broke trying to buy for everyone...

 

come Christmas at the in-laws house and guess what....they bought us gifts!!!! I felt so cheap and lousy...and it made me really mad too! Now I buy for them no matter what...even if it's some cheap crappy thing (they won't tell anyone what they want and any money we give them doesn't get spent on the kids...I bought them a family gift last year to go out as a family for dinner and a movie...they didn't take the kids...grrrrrr)

[casey49781]

i would buy just for the kids, the rest make them cookies, fudge, breads, ect, that way you could still get them all a gift , if your husband still insists, make him help you on this, or if he wants to shop then by all means send him so he can see the bill, and next year he might think twice about it since its really not a fun job shopping for 50 people, and make sure he wraps too. when my husband does stuff like this i make him help and then he sees the real picture and usually changes his mind.

[Mikesgirl]

We buy for just the kids that are there on Christmas morning plus we buy for DH's grandparents, his mom and my mom..

[gbeenie]

You could always keep it simple: Buy whatever you want for the kids, and give all the adults noise-canceling headphones. :)

[dmmiller]

What we like to do is, the girls buy a girl gift and the guys buy a guy gift. Normally something you would like for yourself. Then we put all the gifts in the middle of the room. Everyone who brought a gift gets a number. Then we go in order and we pick a gift out of the middle of the room or steal someone else's and they have to get a new gift or steal one. A gift can only be stolen 3 times and then it's dead. This can be a lot of.

This is what we do also. Since we have a small family, we were always getting the same

names and then not knowing what to get that person. So this helped alot. :)

 

But If you feel like you should get them something, then go and give them

a small gift card.

[Princess7915]

I really understand your point, but I guess it's just one of those things you're going to have to find a way through. I would definately focus your effort on a useable item -not something that could get "junk drawered". You could even go the "family gift" route. That sounds good to me. Figure what you would spend per kid and per adult in each family and tailor each gift basket to each individual family for that $ amount and pick a theme. You could do movie night, game night, goodie basket with fav. food items, fav. music of each person. Or you could by movie theater tickets and give those to each family- sometimes you get discounts for buying in bulk and wrap them up with jumbo candy you get a the $1 store for a nice presentation and do a "night at the movies" gift for everyone. It would be way easy!

[JollyGG]

I like the baking idea. You could also go for something personalized but inexpensive. For example one year one of my cousins got a bunch of fridge magnets made up with a picture taken at our family reunion. Another year an aunt made up a bunch of calendars with a different families family picture for each month. I would imagine something with group pictures, family pictures, or older family pictures would be a big hit. I know I have seen recently on this site some good deals on personalized mouse pads or ornaments.

 

Personalize ornaments 1.99 each - http://forums.gottadeal.com/showthread.php?t=124153 - this one expired on 11/30 so hurry

Mouse pads 2.99 plus other personalized stuff - http://forums.gottadeal.com/showthread.php?t=125148

Edited November 21, 2008 by JollyGG

[princess01]

My dh's mom's side of the family does this. It's not nearly 50 people, but it does add up. We never take part in buying anyone gifts because for one we can't really afford to, but the main reason is because we don't do that for ANY other side of either family. We do get for his grandparents and his parents, but that is on a different day. We've tried to talk everyone in to doing a name exchange on that side, but his aunt always has an excuse of why they can't do that. It makes NO sense to me at all.

[lcplwinkerswife]

both sides of my family , my dads side and moms side have always talked about doing name exchange for the adults but we never have done it.My hubbys great aunts and 2 brothers said to not send gifts to them this year. But Im actually cutting back , im doing like 10 per person on cousins and aunts and uncles, 20 on grandparents, 25 on my two brothers and my parents are getting a new microwave.

[MidwestMama]

I'll throw in my mixed up gift giving too..

I have 4 kids, sis has 1, brother has none. He is a Scrooge and never wanted to give gifts, so we don't exchange with him and did with sister. But this year she said she didn't want to, so we will all only give gifts to my dad. Mom passed away this year and she had shopping to an art form. It was so amazing what she would come up with and having a clearance sticker on it was like a badge of honor. So, this year I asked my dad what he wanted and he is spending $100 on each grandchild with the parents buying and wrapping for him. We used to trade with my mom's sister's family, but that has stopped this year too. We never exchanged with my dad's side... 6 siblings and lots of children. Grandma gave each grandchild $10.

 

Dh family... there are lots of divorces and remarriages so it gets complicated. We give each grandparent/stepgrandparent a gift (which is challenging) and each parent/step parent a present. We have finally whittled it down to just exchanging for the kids. We draw names... kind of, really we just call who we want (like maybe we found something already) and since I have 4 kids and 4 nieces/nephews I get each of them something anyways.

 

One of the xmas that we used to go to had a white elephant that was supposed to be gag gifts and then slowly transformed into not gag and it was a mess. People would get mad when someone stole their gift on their turn and some brought yummy chocolates and some brought half burned candles. The hostess got mad and went off on everyone one year because people had left the gag gifts they didn't want (including a big hairdryer system like in a saloon) at her house and she had to dispose of them etc... So we do not bring gifts to that when we do attend that gathering. They did a seperate one for the kids and we just gave the kids a present instead too, we have 4 boys who were always getting barbie movies missing their boxes etc...

[booga12345]

My dh has a very very large extended family. We used to buy for most everybody, but we don't anymore. I felt the same way as your dh the first year that we didn't give to everybody. Now I am ok with it. Nobody really cares and Christmas Eve with all of them is just as fun, nobody even notices. We still give to all the kids, draw names, and always buy for the mom, dad, grandparents, and host (usually a bottle of wine). I would just ask dh to try it out this year and then he will realize it isn't really necessary to do every year.

[kgm520]

We have a huge family party like that on Christmas Eve with DH's extended fam as well. Over the years it has gone from having the adults draw names and get all of the kids something, to having no adult gifts and let the kids draw names - as the number of little ones grew it became necessary to limit the gift giving to one gift per child or we would be there all night!

 

It sounds like drawing names is going to be a no-go in your DH's family. I say buy some small things for all the kids, take a deep breath, and tell DH that if he feels *that* weird not getting the adults something, HE can go buy the rest.

[aouellette84]

I agree with kgm520, if he feels so strongly about getting everyone something, then tell him to have fun shopping! I refuse to shop dor DH's family anymore (long story), so he does it now!

[KBsDarling]

we only buy for kids and our parents...I am an only child so not an issue on my side but Dh has 2 siblings both who have decided that the Duggars need competition so we still shell out around 200$ on kids gifts and there my only child sits. LOL so the buying just for kid thing doesnt always help. I wanted to do family gifts and were told its not fair cause each kid wouldnt have things to open and take home

 

and I agree...I *SO* would do all the other shopping and then hand Dh the left over in budget and say "Go forth and shop my dear boy"