lisamag Posted December 22, 2007 Share Posted December 22, 2007 i need some advice. my friend has 3 kids and 1 on the way. her oldest son was in my dd class last yr and thats how we became friends. i got her kids somethings for christmas the problem is she don't have a lot of money and she's been complaining to me about how she had to go out and buy gifts for people who got her kids gifts. so the other day she says to me i hope you didnt' get my kids anything. i basicly kept quite and changed the subject. i didn't get her kids something so that she can buy my kids a gift, my kids have plenty, but now i feel bad i got them these toys. because i know she's going to stress about getting my kids something. so here's my question. what should i do? give the toys? i know if i tell her not to stress it she will anyway and i tell her christmas is for giving not getting. or save the toys for something else maybe for when their birthdays? if i don't give them smething for christmas then i'm going to have to avoid her and the kids this whole week because i don't want to hurt the kids, at least her oldest one who will be expecting something. she 8 months preg and i help her at times with shopping. any advice is welcomed. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
noehlp Posted December 22, 2007 Share Posted December 22, 2007 Several ideas (oh and these are in no order, and I personally would not like #1 being done with my kids, secrets are a no-no, but it came to my mind):#1Return the gifts (if you've already bought them), and give the kids the cash, and not tell Mom (tell them its' your secret). #2Return the gifts, put the money together get a gift card to a movie rental store or something (if they are really hurting financially, I highly suggest a grocery store gc). Mail it to Mom in a card, and at the bottom, sign it: we thought you could use this. No RSVP. She'll take the hint at the 'no rsvp' I think. #3If you haven't bought gifts, don't! She did ask you not to. So instead, bake some goodies. Or put together a fruit basket (yea, I know corny, but my kids eat the crud out of some apples ~ my kids are really healthy eaters). #4Don't give them the gifts. Donate them instead to your local Toys For Tots/Homeless or DV shelter/School/Day Care/etc. Give in their names. I wish you the best of luck in making a tough decision. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sadmom5 Posted December 22, 2007 Share Posted December 22, 2007 can you wait and give her the gifts on mon.? that way she couldn't go out and shop for your kids- let her know that you got these toys because it made YOU feel good and that you got them on sale- etc.. In the spirit of christmas let her know how much you appreciate her friendship- I only say this because you stated that you have already bought and if she is strapped for $ $then her kids will appreciate- Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
alimfp Posted December 22, 2007 Share Posted December 22, 2007 Put the wrapped gifts on her front steps late Christmas Eve and then RUN back to your car and leave, lol. And don't put gift tags on them or rather, put "From Santa" or something. :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
noehlp Posted December 22, 2007 Share Posted December 22, 2007 Put the wrapped gifts on her front steps late Christmas Eve and then RUN back to your car and leave, lol. And don't put gift tags on them or rather, put "From Santa" or something. :)Very, VERY good idea! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lisamag Posted December 22, 2007 Author Share Posted December 22, 2007 well her husband had lost his job he just atarted working last week her family helped her get gifts for her kids. i did think about the toy drive but the schools already stopped those and i don't know where i could take them now. if i give her the gifts on mon the next time she would be out she would get something. as for leaving it by her door i got 2 major problems. 1 her bell don't work i have to call her when i pick her son up from school so she could let him in and 2 she has a land lord that throws everything out (even threw out her stroller she left in the hallway while she went up stairs for a few min and put a banana in it), so thats not going to work. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kim_r4 Posted December 22, 2007 Share Posted December 22, 2007 You could tell her that you already got some things for her kids, and you really want them to have them, so she could give them the gifts herself. If she really feels obligated to do something in exchange, tell her she could watch your kids while you shop, or help you bake cookies, or whatever else she could help you with that wouldn't cost her any money. That way, the kids get the gifts, and she gets to keep some dignity. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
doublehsmom Posted December 22, 2007 Share Posted December 22, 2007 Put the wrapped gifts on her front steps late Christmas Eve and then RUN back to your car and leave, lol. And don't put gift tags on them or rather, put "From Santa" or something. Thats what I was going to say that would be neat! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mom2monkiesx3 Posted December 22, 2007 Share Posted December 22, 2007 I didn't read the other replies but I would give the children the gifts anonymously if possible. Then the mother doesn't feel obligated to gift to you and your kids but the kids still get something! She'd probably assume it was you but by making it anonymous she doesn't feel obligated to buy anything for you guys.?! That is what I do every year with my elderly neighbor! HTH Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Princess7915 Posted December 22, 2007 Share Posted December 22, 2007 I woud just simply tell her that Christmas is a time for sharing love and happiness with those most special to us. She is your friend and you wanted to do something nice for her children and that it would hurt your feelings if you could not. Tell her to please understand that you or your children do not expect anything in return - that your gift from her is being able to put anothe smile on her kids. It's a great opportunity to teach yours about giving and about the meaning of Christmas. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ang625 Posted December 22, 2007 Share Posted December 22, 2007 You could tell her that you already got some things for her kids, and you really want them to have them, so she could give them the gifts herself. If she really feels obligated to do something in exchange, tell her she could watch your kids while you shop, or help you bake cookies, or whatever else she could help you with that wouldn't cost her any money. That way, the kids get the gifts, and she gets to keep some dignity. i agree :):) i was also going to suggest the 'secret santa' thing...but if the dude pitches everything left in the hallway...then...well...guess that wont work. :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
guilliam Posted December 22, 2007 Share Posted December 22, 2007 Do you know anyone with a Santa suit? You could ask them to deliver them for you just marked from Santa. Course, you could just have someone you know (that they don't know) deliver them for you too. Just a thought... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gloey Posted December 22, 2007 Share Posted December 22, 2007 I like the Santa idea. Basically, I think Christmas is for kids and I hate this "having to reciprote" feeling people have. I love to give gifts and its sad that people can't just take the gifts with the love they are given with. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lisamag Posted December 22, 2007 Author Share Posted December 22, 2007 i agree :):) i was also going to suggest the 'secret santa' thing...but if the dude pitches everything left in the hallway...then...well...guess that wont work. :)actually it's a little old lady in her 80's that sits outside and doesn't speak much english, butshe knows what she doing. i don't know anyone with a santa suit but that would have been nice to do that lol. thanks for the ideas Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
christyshular Posted December 22, 2007 Share Posted December 22, 2007 Could Santa leave them for her kids at your house??? You could just deliver to their house.... She shouldn't get mad if Santa did it. :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
2kids-3dogs Posted December 22, 2007 Share Posted December 22, 2007 As a person that used to be in the same situation as your friend, I strongly suggest to NOT give them to her with your name on them. The stress of not having money around Christmas time is unbelievable, and the guilt and embarrassment of having people buy things for your kids because you can't is awful. I really like the idea of getting them to her anonymously. It's a win-win solution! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scrabbler Posted December 22, 2007 Share Posted December 22, 2007 The Santa thing can work in a variety of ways... If they go to a Church or a Christmas program at school in the next few days, see if someone will give them to the family anonymously. That way, the person giving didn't give them and she will directly get them but not feel any obligation. Hope it works out...what a great thing to do! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kc4braves Posted December 22, 2007 Share Posted December 22, 2007 I have a friend who is doing really well right now. This has not always been the case but she is really happy now and wants to give. She knows that with me not working ( staying home with kids was my choice) sometimes it's hard to make ends meet. She gave me some money one time to buy dance recital pictures, etc. becasue she knew Iwas skimping on that and she wanted my daughter to have the memories, etc. I wouldn't have accepted the money but she told me that while she was prospering, she would give and maybe one day if she needed something, someone could give to her. Also she told me, don't worry about paying me back. This is a gift but later maybe you can give to another friend who needs something. Her theory is that we all go through different seasons of life and that we are to share our blessings when we can. All this to say that maybe you can tell your friend that you know she doesn't have the resources to give lots of presents this year but that you are doing ok and you had already bought the presents for her kids. Explain that you really wanted her kids to enjoy the gifts and that maybe another year when they are doing well, she can give some gifts to a toy drive or another friend who might need or enjoy the toys. It's sad that we can't just give anymore out of the goodness of our hearts. It is hard to be on the receiving end sometimes but a great joy to know someone cares. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lisamag Posted December 22, 2007 Author Share Posted December 22, 2007 i've been on both ends and i do know how it feels to not be able to give to those that gave my kids. it hurt the worst when i couldn't send to my nieces even thou my brother and SIL put our names on gifts for them each yr it just wasn't the same. i don't want to make her feel bad. maybe i could talk to her husband and explain it to him. see what he says about the whole thing. maybe he could tell her that it would bother me if she gave in return, since i know what they've been going through. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dmmiller Posted December 23, 2007 Share Posted December 23, 2007 I like the santa idea :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
santaclaus Posted December 23, 2007 Share Posted December 23, 2007 I would give her the gifts, tell her that knowing I helped a child smile on Christmas morning was worth more than any gift could cost. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fishboysmom Posted December 23, 2007 Share Posted December 23, 2007 Are the gifts mailable? Maybe you could mail them on Monday.... From Santa of course. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dd50 Posted December 23, 2007 Share Posted December 23, 2007 I would just give her the gifts and say you don't need/want any in return. A few years ago my DH was in the hospital and not doing well, he went in around Thanksgiving so I was concerned about him. I did buy my kids things for Christmas but money that year was tight and someone from my church called and said someone wanted to bring a few gifts for my kids. Well the few gifts had to be about $200 worth of presents for each kid. At first I felt a little embaressed but then I remembered all the times that I bought for people that didn't have money, so what goes around comes around. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
naturegirl Posted December 23, 2007 Share Posted December 23, 2007 I would suggest you talk to her and tell her that these gifts are for her kids and you are expecting a specific gift from her. Then tell her that the gift you are expecting from her is that she will give you the happieness of seeing her(ur friends) kids face light with happieness when they get this gift. Tell her it will be the biggest gift she can give you, a gift does not HAVE to be materialistic. Tell her all these things and I bet she will have tears in her eyes and will hug you and she will say 'thank you'. happy ending. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PerkynPunctual Posted December 23, 2007 Share Posted December 23, 2007 I wouldn't give them, because my friend asked me not to. I couldn't be friends with someone and totally disregard their feelings in this way. If you are sure that family has stepped in to ensure the kids receive some gifts for Christmas, I would hold onto the gifts. Perhaps for birthdays, or another holiday. Or for your daughter to give them as "just because" gifts when the family is back on it's feet. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
leefamily23 Posted December 23, 2007 Share Posted December 23, 2007 It's a tough situation. If the kids are still going to have a nice Christmas, and you know this, then I guess I wouldn't give them. If you think the kid's are not really getting anything too much- then I'd probably mail them w/o a return name. Even this late. Or possibly leave them in her car. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lisamag Posted December 23, 2007 Author Share Posted December 23, 2007 i think the mail will make the choice for me:( i'm missing one of the gifts i got for her youngest son and it has his name on it. i think what i'll do is when she has her baby at the end of next month, i'll be taking some things over for the baby and i'll give the other kids their gifts, this way they won't see just the baby getting and they won't feel left out. their ages are 2 1/2, 4 and 6. thanks for all the ideas they were really helpful. and i did speak with her today and she was telling me how or what her sisters have gotten for the kids so i know they'll have, plus she did get them a few things too. i'll do as she asks and i won't give them now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
comm402 Posted December 24, 2007 Share Posted December 24, 2007 i think the mail will make the choice for me:( i'm missing one of the gifts i got for her youngest son and it has his name on it. i think what i'll do is when she has her baby at the end of next month, i'll be taking some things over for the baby and i'll give the other kids their gifts, this way they won't see just the baby getting and they won't feel left out. their ages are 2 1/2, 4 and 6. thanks for all the ideas they were really helpful. and i did speak with her today and she was telling me how or what her sisters have gotten for the kids so i know they'll have, plus she did get them a few things too. i'll do as she asks and i won't give them now.IMO your making the right choice. It will be a help to mom that the kids have new toys to keep them occupied when the baby comes. I can say that I know where she is coming from. Many times we have not been able to buy gifts for the family, (14 kids + 8 adults), and no matter how many times we beg them not to get us anything they ignore us. I know about the spirit of giving and everything but to be perfectly honest all it does is make me feel like I'm a piece of dirt. Its nice to know that someone cares but its also humiliating to show up for Christmas dinner and get presents but have nothing to give. I don't mean to threadjack or whine but sometimes I wish they would just respect our wishes and let us have some dignity and not make us feel like leeches. Sometimes you just need to let people keep their pride. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PerkynPunctual Posted December 24, 2007 Share Posted December 24, 2007 i think the mail will make the choice for me:( i'm missing one of the gifts i got for her youngest son and it has his name on it. i think what i'll do is when she has her baby at the end of next month, i'll be taking some things over for the baby and i'll give the other kids their gifts, this way they won't see just the baby getting and they won't feel left out. their ages are 2 1/2, 4 and 6. thanks for all the ideas they were really helpful. and i did speak with her today and she was telling me how or what her sisters have gotten for the kids so i know they'll have, plus she did get them a few things too. i'll do as she asks and i won't give them now.What a great solution! Congratulations for being a big brother/sister gifts go over so well for kids that age! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lisamag Posted December 24, 2007 Author Share Posted December 24, 2007 IMO your making the right choice. It will be a help to mom that the kids have new toys to keep them occupied when the baby comes. I can say that I know where she is coming from. Many times we have not been able to buy gifts for the family, (14 kids + 8 adults), and no matter how many times we beg them not to get us anything they ignore us. I know about the spirit of giving and everything but to be perfectly honest all it does is make me feel like I'm a piece of dirt. Its nice to know that someone cares but its also humiliating to show up for Christmas dinner and get presents but have nothing to give. I don't mean to threadjack or whine but sometimes I wish they would just respect our wishes and let us have some dignity and not make us feel like leeches. Sometimes you just need to let people keep their pride.it's not thread jacking. i think it goes right along with what i asked. i'm sorry you feel like, i can understand, thats why i asked for advice and i got a lot of help. i know how i would feel when people would bring gifts for the kids and i would have to tell them i would get them something later but i still felt bad. have you tried telling them how it makes you feel when they give the gifts and you can't give to theirs? this is why i asked for help. i didn't want to make my friend feel bad, christmas is suppose to be a joy not a burden and i dont want to add to anyones stress. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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