amyers12345 Posted November 21, 2007 Share Posted November 21, 2007 I am dreading our Thanksgiving dinners, my family, and the in-laws. I have reasons to, my grandparents have hurt my dad and the rest of us horribly this year, and we haven't spoken for months. It all stems from a failed promise, and then rumors started to save face. As far as the in-laws go, my daughter was gravely ill 3 weeks ago. She was airlifted from her doctor's office to a hospital an hour away. She had a virus that affected her lungs, and had dangerously low oxygen levels. My MIL lives with my BIL and cares for his son. She said she couldn't come to the hospital (10 mins from her house) because the son had a runny nose and she needed to care for him. We later found out that my nephew was at his mom's that week. He has always been the favorite, for unknown reasons. I cannot get over the fact that we almost lost my daughter, and she had to lie to get out of seeing her. DH and I are financially stable, and our kids are great. It angers me so much that we are not 'important' enough for them. We drove across the country the week before DD got sick to be there for his mom while his grandmother was ill. They didn't expect her to make it, and she unexpectedly pulled through. She couldn't even make a local phone call to check on DD. How can I go to these dinners and look these people in the eyes? It kills me that holidays have to be miserable for us due to everyone else's mistakes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tdanette Posted November 21, 2007 Share Posted November 21, 2007 It's sad that your MIL acted this way and so much family is estranged. I don't blame you for being angry. If being around them will make you miserable, then I'd rethink going. There's not much worse than being miserable this time of year. The holidays should be a time for joy and you certainly have reason to be extra thankful this Thanksgiving. If you must go, try to focus on that. And look at it this way- at least your MIL doesn't live with you Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
conj Posted November 21, 2007 Share Posted November 21, 2007 eh - don't go. volunteer at the homeless shelter. We deal with it by breaking the family into small groups, and visiting with just a few at a time (keeping the feuding members apart) we live hours away and are not involved in the day-to-day squabbles. Tis a wonderful thing Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amyers12345 Posted November 21, 2007 Author Share Posted November 21, 2007 My dad has put his hard feelings aside to invite his parents, and I don't want to hurt him by not going. DH doesn't seem to see the problem with his mother the same way I do. I need to go to make them happy, but is that a sacrifice worth my misery? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
msdarkness Posted November 21, 2007 Share Posted November 21, 2007 I say go but dont go out of your way to be nice to her Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shopping mom Posted November 21, 2007 Share Posted November 21, 2007 I would not want to go either but I would, only I would never let them see how much their actions hurt me. I would want to forgive them but it is hard to do sometimes and I don't always do what I should (can you tell we have some of the same problems). If it is any comfort I am literally sick to my stomach with nerves already because of the holidays but we will both probably put on a smile and no one will be the wiser. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vsa3janes Posted November 21, 2007 Share Posted November 21, 2007 Ask your Dad if you can come visit early before the grandparents arrive. Excuse yourself before they arrive. As for the MIL this is a great time to teach your daughter the importance of forgiving. Being so ill DD probably doesn't realize MIL didn't come by. I know it hurts because MIL didn't come to see DD but look for the things you have to be thankful for. A healthy daughter, loving husband and other family. Just treat her as you would a co-worker that you didn't get along with. Polite and indifferent to whatever she may say. You don't want to upset the day for your DD or DH. However, after Thanksgiving and before Christmas I would talk to her and let her know how you and DH felt when she didn't visit or call about your DD health. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pennylane Posted November 21, 2007 Share Posted November 21, 2007 Hi! You've been blessed with financial stability and great kids! Hard feelings are just that. Feelings! Don't ruin your own family's holiday by being down about your extended families. If you've agreed to go to the gatherings, be above all the fueding. Keep your own family close, enjoy them at the dinners and just try and be civil to the others. That way, no one can come back and say YOU did something. I'm sure during the year you've learned to tolerate other rude people, think of these family members who've made you feel bad like those other people. Main thing is something I've learned: You won't change people during the holidays that are that way all year long!! Make happy memories for your own kids and walk in the door with your head up and a smile on your face. It will freak out anyone who's thinking you don't want to be there, or who have been disruptive to you all year long!! LOL! PEACE! :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BoulderChick Posted November 21, 2007 Share Posted November 21, 2007 I am dreading our Thanksgiving dinners, my family, and the in-laws. I have reasons to, my grandparents have hurt my dad and the rest of us horribly this year, and we haven't spoken for months. It all stems from a failed promise, and then rumors started to save face. As far as the in-laws go, my daughter was gravely ill 3 weeks ago. She was airlifted from her doctor's office to a hospital an hour away. She had a virus that affected her lungs, and had dangerously low oxygen levels. My MIL lives with my BIL and cares for his son. She said she couldn't come to the hospital (10 mins from her house) because the son had a runny nose and she needed to care for him. We later found out that my nephew was at his mom's that week. He has always been the favorite, for unknown reasons. I cannot get over the fact that we almost lost my daughter, and she had to lie to get out of seeing her. DH and I are financially stable, and our kids are great. It angers me so much that we are not 'important' enough for them. We drove across the country the week before DD got sick to be there for his mom while his grandmother was ill. They didn't expect her to make it, and she unexpectedly pulled through. She couldn't even make a local phone call to check on DD. How can I go to these dinners and look these people in the eyes? It kills me that holidays have to be miserable for us due to everyone else's mistakes. Dear amyers12345,I am so sorry to hear about your daughter. You all will be in my prayers. I hope she is feeling better. I can not imagine how scary this must have been for you all. With everything that is going on you may consider celebrating Thanksgiving with just your children and husband. All of my Thanksgivings growing up were this way. (Navy Family) And I LOVED our Thanksgivings together. It is difficult trying to celebrate with people you aren't getting along with and who have hurt and angered you. And no matter how hard you try to hide the stress, I'm sure your daughter will be able to feel it. (It's the child and Mom connection:) ) I know I can always tell when my Mom is stressed and/or upset, even over the phone with Mom being in Ohio and me here in Colorado. And I would worry that you daughter might stress out too. Talk to your husband about it. You never know you may start a tradition of actually enjoying Thanksgiving. ;)Wake up and have some coffee, stay in your pjs while you all cook dinner. Get the kids involved in the preperations if they are old enough. When my Mom made pies she would make extra pie crust and my brother and I would play with the extra. We always watched Miracle on 34th street, since the opening scene is on Thanksgiving Day and watch the Macys parade and just enjoy our time together. We weren't stressed about getting to anyones house on time or keeping our "nice clothes" clean or seeing the uncle that nobody likes. We just enjoyed the day and each other. Have a Happy Thanksgiving! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sadmom5 Posted November 21, 2007 Share Posted November 21, 2007 the last couple of years I have bowed out of Thanksgiving dinner- I work in the morning so the family all went to the in-laws- instead of hurrying over after work- I walked to starbucks- treated myself to a latte and pastry- relaxed and made a turkey dinner for my immediate fam the next day- I didn't have to put up with the craziness!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ang625 Posted November 21, 2007 Share Posted November 21, 2007 i stay away from all of them, both sides of the family, and i just quit giving a crap about what everyone thought about me, and i told everyone of them just what i thought of the way i had always been treated.. i dont like drama, i dont like backbiting, hatefilled people. so, i cook thanksgiving dinner for me, dh and our boys, and its quiet, no one has knots in their stomach and i dont get arrested for attacking someone with a turkey baster! haha i guess OP you have to find your comfort zone, but dont forget that you have feelings too and that yours need to be considered as much as anyone elses. i mean why is it fair to have you be around people that you would rather not(for very valid reasons) and cause you discomfort, just so that other people are happy. to me that is selfish and inconsiderate of the other people..... sounds like our families (both sides) were cut from the same cloth. hope your lil one is ok Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
harrispizza4 Posted November 21, 2007 Share Posted November 21, 2007 I would just stay home and spend time with your dh and dd. Thats what hubby and I did 2 years ago when I was stressing! I told everyone I was making my own dinner and If anyone wanted to stop by they were welcome to. Turned out to be one of the best thanksgivings yet. I was so tired of running from house to house and not really enjoying the day!:) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jbdinos Posted November 21, 2007 Share Posted November 21, 2007 I know how you feel.... but the PP's are all right... you have to be above it for one day for your DD and DH since it appears they aren't hurting as much as you are. I agree to the smile and be polite yet distant. Last year on Thanksgiving, my DH's aunt decided to talk my DD12 into running away. Because our rules were "stupid" and she was "old enough" to decide where she wanted to live and they would "love" to have her stay. I was SO mad. The police of course were called and not nice words were exchanged both during and after this situation and I have not talked to the aunt nor has DH for a year tomorrow. This aunt has 5 kids and all have been arrested more than once except for the youngest and she's only been arrested once .... so far..... they all drink, smoke pot, etc. Not a good influence anyway. DD won't be there this year, she is in a behavioral center court ordered by probation for intensive in patient counseling because to this day she believes that she does not have to follow our rules or the court's rules. But DH has to work so it will be me, all 3 DS and DD19 and her family going together. I plan on smiling and being polite in front of other guests and totally ignoring the aunt when no one else is around so I don't upset the other guests. Plus DH's grandma always hosts and the aunt is her daughter, although I don't know how the nicest woman on earth could give birth to one of the most evil... but that is another story.... lol Long story short, just keep smiling in front of the other guests and if you are alone with MIL, feel free to ignore or walk away even if she questions you. Just walk away to guests you care about and smile and ignore her the best you can... .when I am ignoring the aunt, I will think of you and say a prayer that you are having good luck with the whole day and that you find things to make good memories on. GOOD LUCK Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dmmiller Posted November 21, 2007 Share Posted November 21, 2007 Easiest way to "avoid" family feuds.. is to avoid going at all. Kinda sucks, but at least you'll still have your sanity. Well unless they're all coming to your house, then your a sitting duck. Just load up on a lot of alcohol! (JK, kinda) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AndreaInNC Posted November 21, 2007 Share Posted November 21, 2007 I'm sorry but I have to disagree with some of the PP. Why would you go and ignore a relative and make everyone else miserable? That would ruin everyone's holiday to be put in the middle of a stressful situation. I'd show up for dessert only or go before everyone gets there. Unless you can just forgive her and move on - that's the best idea I have. This what I tell my kids - God can forgive anyone anything - so why can't you? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tdanette Posted November 21, 2007 Share Posted November 21, 2007 I'm sorry but I have to disagree with some of the PP. Why would you go and ignore a relative and make everyone else miserable? That would ruin everyone's holiday to be put in the middle of a stressful situation. I'd show up for dessert only or go before everyone gets there. Unless you can just forgive her and move on - that's the best idea I have. This what I tell my kids - God can forgive anyone anything - so why can't you? I think that perhaps because the MIL behavior was so recent it will be hard to just put it aside or forgive so soon. I mean, maybe by next Thanksgiving it won't sting so much but right now the op is still very angry. But I do think maybe showing up before or after dinner (if the op must go) might be a way to do things. Maybe coffee and dessert. In any case, I'd certainly but the happiness of myself and my family foremost! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QianaB Posted November 21, 2007 Share Posted November 21, 2007 Finally someone who can relate. Holidays for me were better when I was younger. As I grew older I realized that I seem to get depressed around the holidays, that's because I had nothing to look forward to but ,drinking, cussing, argueing, family critics, etc. I try not to do holidays with family, If invited then I may got, But I have been blessed with an extended Spiritual family who most of my holidays are spent with. Now that I have my own home and my own family( DH, DS4 and DD9mnths) I tend to spend holidays with them and it means more to me then to have to worry about drama that comes with the big family dinners, I can stay home and spend it with my family and actually enjoy it. I use to be big on the family dinners, ( you know inviting everyone I know) but now, I am satisfied if it's just the 4 off us. Kuddos to you for trying though. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jarerice Posted November 21, 2007 Share Posted November 21, 2007 I would just stay out and away from all of the fighting! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shortness Posted November 21, 2007 Share Posted November 21, 2007 I wouldn't go either. The older I get, the more I just pull out of things I don't want to be involved in. I just feel like I have my own kids now, and my goal is to enjoy them as much as possible. We live in a completely different state than all of our relatives, so it does make it easier to not visit, but honestly--even if we were close, I wouldn't be at all the get-togethers. I don't have the family strife that you do, but I'm not really close with much of my extended family. My dh, kids and I usually end up in a corner or different room from everyone else because the others all know each other much better. Makes for a long day and wishing we were home and comfy with each other. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trbarginhunter Posted November 22, 2007 Share Posted November 22, 2007 Well, since not going doesn't seem to be an option, how about spending your time interacting with the people you enjoy--even if that means you spend your time talking/interacting with your immediate family. I have a great Aunt and great Uncle (not married to each other) who didn't speak to each other for years...not one word. They both showed up to large family events, they just didn't interact. And frankly, no one really paid much attention. So just don't interact with the bothersome folks. If the gatherings are small enough I suppose someone might notice, but heck your DD was seriously ill, obviously you all need some extra time together. If you feel you need to attend these events, well just have that time together in some other living room. Pack some board games if you have to, or drawing paper, etc. And remember your newspaper, after all they don't need to know you already have Black Friday planned. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lori12563 Posted November 26, 2007 Share Posted November 26, 2007 I stopped going tp other's houses . I never liked going anyway, alway seem to be giving kids their gifts ,then making them leave and not getting to play with them. You have your own family, just say you are staying home so your kid(s) can enjoy Christmas at home and if the want to visit you so be it. Put it on their shoulders the responsibilty of traveling and visting. Then enjoy your Christmas in your own home . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HAnderson Posted November 26, 2007 Share Posted November 26, 2007 In my opnion when you have kids it is to hard to travel at christmas time. To much involved santa has to know where to go, taking all the gifts etc. And once you get there and Christmas morning comes around then you have how come santa came to the same house and i they got more then we did. It to much of a head ache. So in order to handle family gueds just stay home if someone want to come to your home for the holiday let them. But usually when it is just a one on one situation the fueds are less and less. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ang625 Posted November 26, 2007 Share Posted November 26, 2007 so.....how did thanksgiving go for ya OP? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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