HELP with New ways to celebrate christmas when there is a loss in the family

[nnmfam]

My husband died from huge medical errors at age 40 on memorial day. We have 3 kids ages 17 year old senior just got his accetpance letter to West Point a 15 year old sophmore boy and a 8 yeaod girl. Christmas was alwyas a huge deal in my house and htsi year I am honestly not feeling like doing any of it . Normally i cook 3 meals and bake for weeks before buy more then any person needs. It is just so hard to even face any holiday what would u do?

I cannot go away on a trip as both my boys are the schools swim team and that week is always states

[racerfan]

I am so sorry for your loss. Is there anyway maybe you could just leave for a few days just so that you are not at home. Xmas falls on a Saturday, so maybe you could leave on the Thursday or Friday and come back on the Sunday, that way the boys are back for the full week after. Even if it is just to a neighboring town or somewhere close by so it does not take long to get there or back. I know when my Mom passed I just wanted to get Xmas over and done with, but we had my 1st Nephew having his 1st Christmas so we had to do something just so we had pictures of his 1st Xmas. We did the minimal decorating, 2 days before and the tree came down the day after Xmas. We went out to eat so that we did not spend all day home remembering. I know it will be hard, but you have an 8 year old who still may believe and who probably may not totally understand what it going on so you may have to do a little something just for her. I wish you all the best, I know this will be very hard this year.

[amyers12345]

I am so sorry to hear of your loss.

 

I don't have any groundbreaking ideas, but what about trying to change your traditions while keeping a couple of your old ones? Maybe do something fulfilling like working at a soup kitchen or for a shelter, and do a few of your normal things, too. You don't want to lose all of your memories, but making some new ones might help.

[nikol0304]

So sorry for your loss.

 

Honestly, your husband would probably want your children to have somewhat of a Christmas. I can only imagine how hard that will be...but try the other poster's suggestion. Do something a bit different, but incorporate some old traditions so those memories stick around.

[conj]

ask the kids... maybe you can create a new tradition to help keep dad a part of the holiday memories?

[ohitsunshine]

I agree with others- a new tradition would be a good start. My grandfather died between December 1st 12 years ago. Our huge family got together at my grandma and grandpas house every Christmas Eve, every year. That year was the hardest on everyone. There was a huge void, and everyone was really tense and depressed. My grandfather never allowed wrestling in the house, and he had 5 boys and 3 girls, 24 grandchildren and 2 great grand children at the time he died. So he spent a lot of time yelling! Well one thing led to another and before we knew it, about 4 uncles and a couple cousins were all wrestling in the middle of the livingroom. Someone yelled, Grandpa would kick your butt right now! Which made all of us laugh because we knew it was true! My grandma even laughed! No, it will never be the same, but I think it would be harder to not celebrate, and to not incorporate past traditions, especially for your 8 year old who may not understand as much as the older ones. I wish I had the magic answer, but I don't think anyone will!

[mgmckny]

A new tradition is a good idea, but keep the old ones as well, maybe not so much this year, my Dad passed 13 years ago in October and Christmas was his thing (and mine). He played Santa every year for schools, the mall, banks etc until he got too sick so it was hard the first year. I did Christmas at my house at that time so we had to go on, the boys were little then. After the usual morning gift frenzy, my mom, brothers and I along with hubs and his mom (his Dad had passed a few years earlier) all sat around and remembered fun times with my Dad and Curtis. We did ham sandwiches and potato salad instead of a big lunch and had a blast with the kids. Since then we have started going out for Chinese a la Christmas Story and everyone meets up and we share Christmas with one of our favoite restaurants, usually take some little goodie bags for the staff that they can share. It's amazing how crowded the restaurant is...

[twilightcalm]

I can't imagine the pain you and your children have had this year. I'm so sorry for your loss. I am happy that the children are doing well in school. Congratulations on your son's acceptance to the academy. I remember the first holidays after my Mom died. Our family is small so it is really just myself, my 2 brothers and our kids. I try every year to keep some of the magic she held so dear and make some new traditions the kids can remember. Maybe you can find 1 special photo of each child and Dad and have them put into special frames. (printing them in b&w gives them a timeless look) You may want to write a small note as to why this photo is extra special to you. If at all possible celebrate the holidays but tone it back a bit. Your husband would want that for the kids. Let your sons have the honor of things like turkey carving and tree setup. These will make new memories and will give you many "Remeber when Dad did this or that..." there will be smiles and laughter. You will catch yourself as if you shouldn't but it is ok:gdconsoling1: Hang your husbands stocking and add a special ornament for him. Surround yourselves with loving family and friends. You and your family will make it through these holidays and many more. I wish your family all the best:gdhug1:

[tinkrbel]

My heart goes out to you. My grandma died in October years ago and we spent a few years without Celebrating. It was tough since she was the one person we all confided in. I bought my mother this ornament a year or so later and to this day it makes us that much happier when we find it. Our tree is not complete without it.I'm sure ours came from a mailing catalogue but this is the closest I could find. It will be that much more tough with the children, maybe plan a rememberance day with either your husbands favorite foods or maybe order a meal from "honey baked ham" type of place.

http://a1128.g.akamai.net/7/1128/497/0001/image.proflowers.com/is/image/ProvideCommerce/P0098616b?nanos=770&qlt=75,0&resMode=sharp&op_usm=0.5,1.0,0.0,0&wid=275&hei=275

[stacyk9]

First off, I do want to send my condolences on the passing of your husband. I can only imagine how tough that must be.

 

I think my answer is going to be a little different than everyone else's. Right now, I think your children need something familiar to fall back on. Their world, along with yours, has changed dramatically. They have gone through a lot of grief I'm sure and to have something as heartwarming and comfortable as Christmas might be something they need, especially for your youngest. It doesn't have to be as grand as it was before. Just do a scaled-back version. Maybe your oldest son could step in and take over some of the traditions that your husband did? All in all, don't forget that you need some time as well. If it is just too hard for you to face, then you have to do what is right for your family.

 

I have had two children who have passed away and I know how heartwrenching the holidays can be, but something I have done through the years since then is send Christmas gifts to St. Jude's Hospital in their memory and I always buy them new ornaments every year for the tree. Even though they're not here anymore, they are still part of our holiday. If your husband had a favorite charity, you could donate to it every year.

 

Stacy

[coleman4905]

We are going through the same thing. My husband died Jan 16th of this year. My kids 18, 13, and 12 are still pretty upset about it. He had a long 8 year battle with cancer but we just still never thought we'd see the day when his life would end. Christmas was big for us as well and celebrating is going to be so hard. We just recently moved into another house which i think in a way will help and we are looking for different ideas to celebrate without hurting our families. I thought about a mini vacation but his/mine families would be devastated. any ideas???

[dealluvr]

whatever you do you could always send balloons up to him.when i miss someone that has passed i do that sometimes and it brings a little joy thinking they will get a balloon sent to them

[ourhappyfamily4]

God bless you and your family. it is So hard to go through this type of pain. everyone handles things differently. So i agree with one of the other posters, ask your kids what they think they would like to do. I'm sure they have fav things that yall have done in the past that they would not want to just let go of, even though it will be hard to do with out him this year. I say, keep your traditions, get a new ornament to hand for your husband on the tree, maybe that could be a new tradition to pick out a fav one for him each year. I don't have any magic anser, but I will send a prayer up for your family.

[AndreaInNC]

I am so sorry for your loss. A friend went through the same thing last year and she made memory books for her kids. She took all the holiday photos of the kids with their dad and make them each a personal book filled with holiday pics of that child with their dad.

 

I know after the loss of both of my parents I wanted to crawl into a hole the 2 Christmases after they passed. But because of my kids, I mustered something - still not sure what it was and got me through it.

 

I did a bit each day - instead of normally doing it all in one day. That helped me some. But I still don't celebrate like I used too. It's too hard sometimes!

 

But I agree with others - keep some traditions and start some new ones.

[1angelnhvn]

I am so sorry for your loss. It will definitely be hard to figure out what to do. First and foremost, put yourself and your children first. My daughter died just before she was to be born 7 years ago. The following two Christmas's I was determined to take care of me, my DH, and my other living children. The rest of my family couldn't understand but it was something we had to do to be able to survive the holidays and get through them. I couldn't spend my tiime worrying about what they all thought or if they got mad at me. Don't commit to anything so you don't have to feel guilty about canceling if you don't feel up to it. It is so tough to go through the holidays right after a loss like that and it will take time before you find the joy like you did before as you work through your grief. I agree with the pp's who said to talk to your children about what they might like to do and come to an agreement together. We still celebrated and decorated and such, just on a much smaller scale than past years and didn't do as much outside of our home as we had before. And while there are also others who are going through the loss of him as well, it's time for you to be selfish and put you and your children first. I also love releasing balloons to my daughter as well and is a great idea if you live somewhere that they will float. We do this often and is so healing for us even now. It took us two holiday seasons before we found a 'new normal' for our family. We spend alot of time at the cemetary decorating and the children love to help with that. It will definitely be a different 'type' of holiday season for you this year....again, I'm so sorry for your loss.