booga12345 Posted November 15, 2007 Posted November 15, 2007 I have an 11 year old step son that does not live with us (in fact he lives across country) and we see him only for a week during summer. Me and my husband have 2 boys together and we always spend alot more on them for Christmas, but I always feel bad. Everyone tells me that he also gets gifts from his mother and receives monthly child support and that I shouldn't bad. Anybody else have this situation and what are your thoughts? Thank You!
jazzy442 Posted November 15, 2007 Posted November 15, 2007 Before my stepdaughter came to live with us we spent about the same on her that we did on our daughter even though she got presents at her mom`s and her mom`s boyfriends family, etc, etc. And my husband payed child support, etc., as well. But then we had her every weekend plus lots more so we just had her keep her stuff at our ome for when she was over. I did feel a little bad for our daughter though because she would see and hear about all this other stuff that her sister got and she didn`t. And now that she lives with us she is lucky if she gets a phone call from her mom on the holidays. And her mom tells the father of her other children to buy the kids presents from her with the child support she pays him. Haha.
happysunshine28 Posted November 15, 2007 Posted November 15, 2007 IMO yes. Especially if the child is there when the other kids open presents. Here is a way to look at it. Your husband pays child support to support his son, that is equivalent to your husband feeding, clothing, and providing shelter for the two boys you have together that live with him. I dont have step children myself, but my kids are stepkids and they notice the difference in what they get from their father compaired to his wifes kids, but not just at christmas. Also keep in mind my kids are spoiled rotten.
bayhaysay Posted November 15, 2007 Posted November 15, 2007 Yes, and even though he is not living in your house he is your husband's son and should have no less value in your family unit than the 2 children you have together. Actually, I don't really think that you have to spend the same amount of money on any of your kids as long as they get things they like and they don't feel cheated. This means you may spend more on the 11yo than you do your own kids...or you may not, just depending on what they like.
cheyandwysmom Posted November 15, 2007 Posted November 15, 2007 I have a 13 yr old daughter by my first marriage, and a 1 year old son with my "new" hubby (of 8 yrs). Even though we have been together since my daughter was 2, she is never treated quite as well by her grandma and grandpa on his side. She and I are very close and I know it hurts her when she's treated 2nd best. She's a very tough kid and doesn't say anything to them, but she also doesn't like to visit them because she knows that she isn't treated like family there. Just food for thought - kids have very fragile self esteem - sometimes we can damage it without intending to.
vanessaa21 Posted November 15, 2007 Posted November 15, 2007 I say they need to be treated the same. My son is a step child to my husband although he is the only father he has ever known. My hubby's brother has 2 children. My MIL and FIL favor them by far.....with time and things. They always make it a point to say how they treat them the same---which they don't. I also have to hear my MIL complain because the kids' mom doesn't let her do stuff with them. Neither my MIL or FIL has ever asked to do anything with my son. It's hurtful and kids don't need that. Treat 'em the same---you won't regret it!
sunni0913 Posted November 15, 2007 Posted November 15, 2007 When I was a kid me and my sister went to my dad and stepmom's every year for Christmas Eve and would get like maybe $30 spent on us where as my stepsisters would get like $200 spent on each of them. Me and my sister always went home sad knowing they got more then we did. jmo but I think every kid should get about the same amount.
jazzy442 Posted November 15, 2007 Posted November 15, 2007 Well I was also a stepkid and I lived with my dad and stepmom. The 2 kids that my dad and stepmom and myself and my sister that I share both parents with were all treated the same and got the same amount at home. But when we would go to her mother`s house we were completely treated different. And now that we are grown and have kids her mom still does it with our kids. We would go over and for 2 years in a row she got my daughter who is not blood related a cheaoie $5 babyset from Walmart. Then my sister who is blodd related and her daughter would get spoiled with a ton of stuff from the mall. So my daughter is sitting there getting to open 1 little cheap generic gift and watch her cousin sit and open a ton of really nice gifts. I know it isn`t about gifts, etc. But we stopped going to her mom`s house at all. She has made it very obvious how she feels about us. My stepmoms dad and his girlfriend are completely diffrent. Everyone gets the exact same spent on them. Even my brothers and sisters boyfriend/girlfriends got the same as what we would get. So I wil tell ya from personal experience it does hurt to be treated diffrently, and especially when it is so obvious.
jbdinos Posted November 15, 2007 Posted November 15, 2007 DH and I have 5 children. None of them are biologically both of ours. The oldest is out on her own, the 3 middle ones live with us and the youngest lives with his mom about 2 hours away. We don't count money, we count gifts and make sure they come out to a comparable value total. For instance the one that doesn't live with us is getting an ESPN football table, originally 129.xx and I got it on clearance for 15.xx. But since it's such a large value compared to some of the other kids, then his smaller gifts are a bit less value than his brothers/sisters. We treat all 5 of the kids, our son in law, and our granddaughter (age 3) the same on gifts. Ok, so maybe the granddaughter's gifts a bit over the top.... but the others all adore her and want to do it also. We would not consider treating any of them differently because they didn't live there or lived too far away, etc. I had an ex that was hiding my DD from me one year at Christmas and I was waiting on the legal system to assist. We spent the same on her and couldn't even see her and didn't know if we ever would. We just wrapped them up and mailed them to a relative's home where we knew she would get them. Regardless of how often you see a step child or how much support you pay out, kids notice... My DD is 19 and my DH's mother is the only one that treats her differently than the rest... she notices.... it hurts her and me that my DH is the best male role model she has ever had and no one else considers her anything but family and that one person has to ruin it and make us dread going to visit her and her boyfriend for Christmas because one child will be treated differently than the rest. I say do for the step son what you would do for him if he were living in your house the same as the others... you won't regret it and he will remember and appreciate it and know you care.
Jennifer0530 Posted November 15, 2007 Posted November 15, 2007 Honestly, it depends on the year. DH and his ex girlfriend share the holidays so this year we will have DSD on Christmas Eve and all three kids will get the same amount of gifts then on Christmas Day when we only have our two they will get some extra gifts. Nothing like Christmas Eve but some extra's just so that we feel like we get to enjoy Christmas Day also. Next year we will have DSD on Christmas Day so there will be no extra gifts for the other two since we will all be together on Christmas Day. I have done this for the last six years and it has worked out great so I plan to continue to do so until they are older.
Lorie413 Posted November 15, 2007 Posted November 15, 2007 I understand what you mean....I spend the same amount on my step kids, BUT then they come over and talk about all the other presents they got at their moms house and my son feels bad becasue he doesn't have Christmas twice. It's not fair for him to feel bad either!
Jennifer0530 Posted November 15, 2007 Posted November 15, 2007 I understand what you mean....I spend the same amount on my step kids, BUT then they come over and talk about all the other presents they got at their moms house and my son feels bad becasue he doesn't have Christmas twice. It's not fair for him to feel bad either!I know what you're talking about, that happens at our house too but then I think to myself about the whole year and I know I spend lots more on my two then my DSD so it evens out.
Guest JustMeDiana Posted November 15, 2007 Posted November 15, 2007 I do. My husband and I have 3 children between us. My 2 sons and his daughter. They are all grown and we spend the same on each of them. I would not wont anyone of them to feel like they were left out. As far as child support goes that is for the expense of raising kids and should not be considered a gift. You really wont him to feel like he is treated equally like his half brothers. You would feel really bad when he comes to visit during the summer and he realized he didn't get as much as his half brothers did at Christmas. My father plays favorites to this day with my sister and it still hurts.
Bunniq Posted November 15, 2007 Posted November 15, 2007 No children here, but my SIL has a son from a previous relationship and he is just as much part of the family as my other nephew. I spend the same amount on him as my biological nephews with the same love.
pogiporkchop Posted November 15, 2007 Posted November 15, 2007 Definitely treat everyone the same. There isn't anything that I can say that hasn't already been said :)
shopping mom Posted November 15, 2007 Posted November 15, 2007 I have an 11 year old step son that does not live with us (in fact he lives across country) and we see him only for a week during summer. Me and my husband have 2 boys together and we always spend alot more on them for Christmas, but I always feel bad. Everyone tells me that he also gets gifts from his mother and receives monthly child support and that I shouldn't bad. Anybody else have this situation and what are your thoughts? Thank You!If it is bothering you personally then I would do things differently. I don't have step children but I think the question I would ask myself is "If my children were the step children what I want someone to do for them?" and then act accordingly.
heatherkw Posted November 15, 2007 Posted November 15, 2007 We have four all together. They all get the same spent on them. I try to stay within $20 of each other the older kids realize that means that if they asl for more expensive stuff them they may get less to open. I try to bridge that gap by buying family presents. Last year it was the Wii. The 2 that don't live with us get far more from my DH parents then the two that live with us. They say b/c the kids live with them but WE do the same for all of them right down to their stockings.
kselzer Posted November 15, 2007 Posted November 15, 2007 it should all be the same imo. I hated being treated differently and not like family with my step-mother's family. I was old enough to figure out it was because we weren't her "real" kids, but my brother was too young and didn't understand why other kids were opening a bunch of presents and he didn't get a single thing. I thought it was horrible for us to be subjected to that and that no one questioned it...whatever
princez916 Posted November 15, 2007 Posted November 15, 2007 I agree with everyone. Your step-son is a part of your dh, just like your sons are. How do you tell your dh that you spend x amount on "your" children, but only x amount on "his" son? The boy didn't ask for his parents to get divorced, and he certainly doesn't get the child support check. Don't punish the child for a situation he has no control over. It's a shame you only get to spend such a limited time with him, I'm sure he would like to know his brothers (and stepmother) better. You never know when the day might come that he comes to live with you, especially since he is approaching the teenage years and will want to be around dad more than mom. At least you know you always did right by him, and he will know it too. My family's situation is a little different. Dh's mother plays favorites with the grandchildren. She gets her daughter's children a ton of gifts, while our kids maybe get a $5 dvd. This has caused many a fight with dh and I. But that's a whole different thread.....
jade6700 Posted November 15, 2007 Posted November 15, 2007 I have a teenage stepson and my DH and I have two young sons together (ages 7 and almost 6). We probably spend more on my stepson mostly because he's almost 17 now and everything costs so much for teens. Our other two still get plenty of gifts but if you look at the dollars, we're spending more "per child" on my stepson. I wouldn't spend less on him just because he gets gifts from both sides of his family.
citrixgirl Posted November 15, 2007 Posted November 15, 2007 I have an 11 year old step son that does not live with us (in fact he lives across country) and we see him only for a week during summer. Me and my husband have 2 boys together and we always spend alot more on them for Christmas, but I always feel bad. Everyone tells me that he also gets gifts from his mother and receives monthly child support and that I shouldn't bad. Anybody else have this situation and what are your thoughts? Thank You!As he is not going to be there for Christmas and shipping is so extreme why not send him a gift Amex or something like that so You can roll the cost of the shipping into the gift card Plus he can pick out what he wants or what will go with whatever the mom is getting him.
jeninpa Posted November 16, 2007 Posted November 16, 2007 No. We only see DH's 7yr old son a few times a year and he has never had a relationship with him or barely seen him before he was 3. His mom has a husband she makes him call dad and he calls my husband by his name. Also DH pays support (since he was born) whereas my kids receive support (alot more then he pays,lol). He doesn't come to our house or even see my kids on the holidays so that is not an issue. I spend about $50 (now we're talking GD dollars so it may be more,lmao) on him compared to about $300 + on each of my 4 kids. I send everything home with him so it get's it's use. Now if he lived near us and we actually seen him and had him come to our house for visits, it would be different.
leefamily23 Posted November 16, 2007 Posted November 16, 2007 I'm fortunate that my husband's family treats my son (their "step-child") as equal as all the other children. I would be heartbroken for him to sit their and watch something otherwise.
jarerice Posted November 16, 2007 Posted November 16, 2007 If I had a step child, I think I would spend the same on everyone or atleast made sure I got them something that they wanted.
booga12345 Posted November 17, 2007 Author Posted November 17, 2007 No. We only see DH's 7yr old son a few times a year and he has never had a relationship with him or barely seen him before he was 3. His mom has a husband she makes him call dad and he calls my husband by his name. Also DH pays support (since he was born) whereas my kids receive support (alot more then he pays,lol). He doesn't come to our house or even see my kids on the holidays so that is not an issue. I spend about $50 (now we're talking GD dollars so it may be more,lmao) on him compared to about $300 + on each of my 4 kids. I send everything home with him so it get's it's use. Now if he lived near us and we actually seen him and had him come to our house for visits, it would be different.This is where I have mixed feelings. We hardly ever see him. Unfortunately his mother is a royal#@*^! and makes it exremely hard for my husband to have a relationship with him. We have to send gift cards, because if we send an actual gift she will call screaming that she just can't believe that we bought gifts at Target, Wal-Mart, etc.. One year she actually mailed a Tommy Hilfiger shirt back to us, because it came from Ross and not Dillards. I also don't want my boys to feel bad, because if we spent the same on their step-brother he would actually end up with more since he receives gifts from two families. It's just a really sad situation all the way around and I just which his mother would grow up and quit using her son against my husband and realize he is the one suffering here.
heatherkw Posted November 17, 2007 Posted November 17, 2007 This is where I have mixed feelings. We hardly ever see him. Unfortunately his mother is a royal#@*^! and makes it exremely hard for my husband to have a relationship with him. We have to send gift cards, because if we send an actual gift she will call screaming that she just can't believe that we bought gifts at Target, Wal-Mart, etc.. One year she actually mailed a Tommy Hilfiger shirt back to us, because it came from Ross and not Dillards. I also don't want my boys to feel bad, because if we spent the same on their step-brother he would actually end up with more since he receives gifts from two families. It's just a really sad situation all the way around and I just which his mother would grow up and quit using her son against my husband and realize he is the one suffering here.I understand but none of that is the boys fault. What I always try to remember is that she was OK enough for DH to marry and have a child with and that if it weren't for her part my DSC would not be here. Also at some point this child will be an adult and so many things influence the adults our children will become why add one that could be harmful. Also why don't you guys fight for more time with him? Just wondering. It can be done. My DH fought for many years to get and maintain custody of his kids. In our case it really is a better environment for them then with their mom.
booga12345 Posted November 17, 2007 Author Posted November 17, 2007 I understand but none of that is the boys fault. What I always try to remember is that she was OK enough for DH to marry and have a child with and that if it weren't for her part my DSC would not be here. Also at some point this child will be an adult and so many things influence the adults our children will become why add one that could be harmful. Also why don't you guys fight for more time with him? Just wondering. It can be done. My DH fought for many years to get and maintain custody of his kids. In our case it really is a better environment for them then with their mom.I absolutely agree that it is not his fault. My husband has been to court and that is why we get him a week during the summer (she convinced the judge in her state that the schools where she lives are better than the ones where we are). Before that she didn't let him see him from the time he was 4 until he was 7. They were not married and my dh was not listed on the birth certificate so that complicated things even further and then we get a call from the state of nm saying that she is getting welfare here (even though he pays child support in a different state) and has 3 different men listed as the father. He is getting older now so I am hoping that when he turns 13 we can go back to court where his opinion of where he wants to stay will actually matter. It's too expensive to have to keep flying to a different state to pursue this every year. What a mess!!!!
momformany Posted November 18, 2007 Posted November 18, 2007 I think step children should receive the same as all of the children. My husband and I open our home to Foster children and if we have any at Christmas time they get the same amount as our children. We always make sure everyone has enough. Thanks goodness for Gotta deal because I can stock up all year round with the good deals. I never know when I will have an extra child. This last year I had 10 children in my home, 3 were mine and 7 were foster children.
dolphinmom Posted November 18, 2007 Posted November 18, 2007 Everyone should be treated the same if not when they get older to realize what is going on there will be alot of hurt feelings and anger. I had 3 children before I married my hubby we now have one of our own and my inlaws treat the baby much better than my other 3 which I think is wrong children are innocent bystandards and don't ask for any of that stuff,Iam afraid it will cause alot of problems down the road my oldest is 16 and of course she sees it it gets her very upset. My hubby loves all the kids and treats them all the same thats the way it should be as for the inlaws as far as i'm concerned they could go scratch I beleive what comes around goes around,I Love All My Kids To Pieces
sm1kla Posted November 18, 2007 Posted November 18, 2007 I feel after reading many responses here, that "buying" and "treating" are being used as synonyms - they aren't. We don't do equal number or dollars in gifts, we never have - this doesn't make me a terrible person b/c I'm "treating" her differently. When it comes to "treating" not '"buying" for my SD. I treat her the same as one of my own-I love her very much and there isn't anything that I wouldn't do for her.
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