How will you deal with your in-laws this season?

[amyers12345]

I think we are ALL going to need somewhere to vent the next few weeks, so I'll start it. (I have a BS in Psychology if ya need advice. I can give it to other people well, just can't solve my own, LOL!)

 

 

We were invited to Christmas at my in-laws. DH chose not to go to TG because none of his family had bothered to call for months. (they called the night before to invite us) Yesterday, his SIL called to see what sizes our kids wear, etc. They have never made it to a b-day party for our kids, or even called (after accepting) to let us know they wouldnt' be there. Even from his mother. They didn't even call on DH's b-day.

 

They enjoy our gifts extremely well, his MIL, brother and wife (the one that called) they all make min. wage, chain smoke, and are gaming fanatics, and there have been many times the baby has gone w/o milk so mommy could smoke, or I had to loan money for dish soap after she spent a hundred $$ on yarn that day.

 

We planned on dropping off the gifts for their child and our other niece w/ her mom. and NOT buying for the adults. We see them on Christmas only. But I was informed that they have reinstated their $50 minimum per person and are buying for everyone.

 

This $50 limit usually gets me about 3 candles from the Dollar Tree with labels removed and a big price tag stuck on them.

 

So, am I wrong to not buy them anything? (I am really thinking about telling them to take the money they saved on b-day and graduation presents and buying themselves something nice!) We spent about $200 on each of their children.. okay, you're gottadealers, so you know that was really about $10, but who else would know?!?! And the SIL is crocheting my 7 year old son another stuffed animal. Wahoo, that trumps a new video game any day!

 

They only invite us because we're the only ones that can afford to buy them nice things, regardless of what DH thinks!

[Illinoismom]

Okay you want my advice, I have a SIL just like that, Who by the way has decided I canceled Christmas because my MIL and FIL went to Texas. Which I would never do as they are not the reason we do Christmas Eve.

 

Since they only called you Yesterday I would tell them point blank we would love to come but it's so late in the game that no one told us about any gift exchange, I have already gotten for the nieces and Nephews and spent my budget, If we must gift exchange if thats what you really want to do, We will have to decline the 50.00 per person as we really do not need anything. And prefer you take what you would have spent on us and use it for something you all need.

[amyers12345]

It just amazes me that they can only be a family through the holidays. We finally intentionally got them mad enough at us that they even the ones he was closer to quit calling. We just couldn't keep up with the stress. He has a sister that I adore, but she has really bad luck. Well, most of it is intentional, she just doesn't think. Good hearted as can be, but we are so SICK of bailing her out. Our phone bill is about $75 cheaper since he cut her off.

 

After re-reading my OP, I did put that she called. She didn't even do that, she offlined me!!!

 

If we decline the gifts, should we still purchase them something?

[Illinoismom]

No I wouldnt, See if it was me I would bake them cookies and bring them each a tin of cookies,

[pastasalad]

I am dealing with my own set of probs for this holiday season/very similar to yours....I so wish i could offer some words of advice but maybe after my pity party is over, i will be able to think more clearly and offer up an opinion.....I SO wish you a Happy Holiday Season regardless of whats happened or whats going on!

[Shortness]

Uh, if any of my in-laws told me to spend $50 a piece on them, I'd have to laugh and ask them for a loan. We definately buy for all of our parents, but we cannot afford to buy for all neices/nephews/brothers, etc. They don't buy for us or our kids either--and it's all fine for all of us, thankfully.

 

As Illinoismom said, a tin of cookies, or a gift bag with small goodies would be sufficient, in my opinion...

[christib327]

I think you did enough in buying for the children. I think it would be perfectly fine to decline being part of the gift exchange. They can spend what they would have spent on you and your husband on themselves. If they're not happy with that too bad. Especially if they choose not to be a part of your life the rest of the year.

 

Fortunately, I get along great with my in-laws. They are the kind of people everyone gets along with and who go out of their way to make sure I'm happy. I know I got very lucky!

[alimfp]

I'm learning as the years go by how to deal with my in-laws. I love them, I do! But sometimes I just want to run out of their house screaming, begging someone to just shoot me, lol.

 

Does this give you an idea of how things are (or are not)? DH only talks to his parents and brother on a regular basis. Beyond that, his family has disowned him (when he was a teenager) and in turn he no longer associates with them except at Christmas. Two years ago, I had to take my kids to his Aunts house without DH, as he REFUSED to go. This year? I'm dragging his butt along, and he knows it. But it's the biggest pain ever trying to get him to go with us. But like I'm going to get stuck watching three kids at this HUGE expensive house that is NOT child proofed? MIL always says she'll help me out, but she gets caught up in talking to her sisters. So this year, DH is coming with me.

 

So that sums it up. There's a long story to explain why things are like that, but that shows you how it is - DH doesn't even want to go to his own families houses for the holidays *beyond his parents and brothers houses that is*. LOL. :)

[misshayley]

If I were in your situation I would just tell them that I had already bought for the kids. In my extended family we buy for the children in the family, but for the adults, I personally either bake them something or this year I am doing dip mixes and a yankee candle votive (that I got on a huge sale 20 votives for $7) and maybe half a dozen cookies. All of the adults basically exchange baked goods or homemade goodies.

 

I'm sorry that you have to deal with this. I am blessed to have a great MIL and FIL. Though we only see FIL maybe once a year (they are divorced.)

[sherril]

Oh, alimfp, I hear you! My dh hates going to his families house also! I have to drag him and then we get into a fight and the whole time his family is blaming me cause he dosent call them or go over their houses! He will ask for work on weekends where he knows there are bday parties for his family so he wont have to go (btw he is salaried too, so I dont even get OT when he works)! So then I have to call them to say we cant come. Once again I look bad. The only one to start to see how things really are is my soon to be SIL, her and BIL just had a baby this year and my oh my how everything has changed! She actually told me that now she sees that I am not the psycho "witch" they all think I am that it is his family not me! DRAMA DRAMA DRAMA oh i hate this part of the holidays!

They have a 20.00 per person gift exchange. I decided we are not going to participate. We just dont have 40.00 to lay out for some crappy gift we wont ever use! Last year they did 10.00 and we did join in. I also only bought for kids this year. We always buy for his cousins 2 kids too but this will be the last year for buying for them. She is pregnant with #3 and we just cant keep up and dont have the money to buy after this year (my mom said that is mean) but hey we are on a 1 person paycheck here. We are buying for my nephew but not my BIL and soon to be SIL and they know this. I did buy for MIL but she never likes what I buy her anyways.

Sorry to vent, geesh but its good to vent about them sometimes! I normally dont cause you never know who could be on this board

[abentley]

I was devestated last year by my inlaws... and I turned here. This year I have just deicided to remember the people who actually bring fun into my life. A gift isn't truly a gift if it has drama attached with it in my opinion. Yes, I bought them gifts, nice and thoughtful, but I am hoping for any happy family moments, not even for my kids. I am constantly reminding myself that WE are now inlaws and we have to be GOOD ones!!LOL!!

[Jennifer0530]

Thankfully I don't have this problem anymore! The only people on DH's family side we talk to is his younger brother and his girlfriend, his one aunt, his mom and stepdad but we hardly to those two. The rest we cut ties with about 1 month before our wedding 2 1/2 years ago. It's a long story and I'm glad we don't have that drama anymore. When we do see the family we talk to it's maybe for an hour at the most. In fact, DH is about to cut ties with his mom also. DH has always been the black sheep of the family and now our kids are being treated the same way and we both refuse to let it continue.

 

Good Luck to everyone who has to put up with horrible In-Laws!

[Sunshyne]

My IL's are a 6 hours drive away. We've seen them twice in 5 years. My DH doesn't really talk to them often as they shunned him because he is the one that moved away from their little town. His aunt raised him most of his life anyway.

 

His parents are divorced. I sent announcements out when we had the baby, and then Christmas cards last year. The Christmas card to his dad came back to me....he had moved the previous December so it would not forward anymore. We had no idea that he had sold his house and moved, and he was the one that was the most civil toward me. When we got there, he informed DH through my BIL that he did not wish to speak or see us. No explanation of why, and he was always the 'nice' one.

 

His mom and sister are now the 'nice' ones. But they annoy the crap out of me as I've been sending pictures of the boys to them throughout the year and always send Christmas cards, and they never say a word about them. I'm the one that got them all talking last year as I sent DH's business cards (along with his toll-free work number) in the cards and didn't tell him. But, it used to always get blamed on me that DH didn't call them or come visit! I don't control what he does!!!

 

Family dynamics are just frustrating. My parents are still together; and I am an only child. They live 3 hours away, and we see each other about every 6 weeks.

[amyers12345]

I am so glad that I am not alone in this!!! I can relate to each of you. I wish we could all form an anti in-law coalition. I really feel bad for my DH, as he has no family left, but on the other hand, he doesn't need to put up with them.

 

Since they have shunned him, DH takes pride on being the successful one. He thinks that they are jealous, and they are. His sister married a guy because he was "rich". They all thought that he was rich because he panicked when his bank account balance got below $900. So, I'm afraid that he will think he needs to show off now, and we're too broke for my tastes! (he hasn't told him that he quit his upper management job a few months ago to start from scratch at another company.)

 

We had a nephew that passed away last year in the Children's Hospital, maybe I can convice him to make a donation in lieu of gifts?

[fairydustcrissy]

Oh how I feel for you guys! My in-laws are bad....but we don't speak anymore. So i don't have to worry about it. Actually, Christmas will be 2 years we have not seen MIL or her new husband.

[elena_398]

I don't have to deal with my in-laws anymore. Their are divorced. One lives in Indiana and NEVER calls or writes. Even though I send cards and emails to update him on their grandchildren. I seem to have hope he would care one day. My husband gave up on his father years ago though. He remarried and his life totally revolves around the new wife and her kids. He stopped all contact with my husband and his brother.

 

My MIL lives only 20 minutes away but doesn't have any contact with us. We've lived in our home for 6 years and she has NEVER been to the house. She doesn't call OR write. My husband wrote her off too. Yes, I still send christmas cards and pics of her grandchildren. To no avail though.

 

So really, I only have my husband and his brother around. That is just fine with me though. lol

[amyers12345]

I admire that you have the strength to send them updates and pics of the kids. All mine want is the pictures, so they have stories for their friends and work buddies. (the other kids aren't NEAR as cute as mine, LOL! ) No, really, they take my son's sports photos, and DD's rodeo photos and pass them around to look like they really care, but have never been to a single event. (his sister usually doesn't miss very many, but we've been on a 'break' since she and DH had a falling out).

 

Our Christmas card is a photo card this year, and I am refusing to send them one. I think that if they can't take the time to see them, why should they get to see pictures?

 

I am glad you still have hope Elena, but with mine, the hope has fizzled...

[baseball mama]

I too have made no plans with in-laws. I'm really looking forward to Christmas with no drunks, drama, ect. :)

[Illinoismom]

I must be odd, I truely love my Inlaws, and at times we could not have made it with out them, They are great people opiniated and all, I was truely upset when my Father in law decided to travel from Nov through April and take my Motherinlaw away through most of the Holiday's but hey thats what they worked all their life for and my Fatherinlaw doesnt believe in Holiday's feels its a waste of money but I can deal with that.

 

Now several years ago I tried to have my husband make amends with his father ( Not my Fatherinlaw) thats who my Husband considers dad) When we had our first child I sent pictures because I felt he had a right to know he was a grandfather. Well his new wife and I did this for several years, Then I told her we were moveing up here and he called my husband and that was strange this is a man my husband had not seen since he was 9 we met them in a resturant ( once) he told me husband he wanted to make amends and be part of the family and get to know him and his grandkids, Well it never happened, another empty promise as my husband called it.

 

Several years ago he had a heart attack, and my husband was summoned to the hospital as he is his only son, he has step children but my husband was his only flesh, I stayed in the background and let my husband weed through his feeling, Sad thing was there was none their laid a man he didnt know. ( he was in a Coma so he was unaware) But my husband made peace with himself that day and never looked back. When his Father died we went to the funerual but I am not sure why, Other then my husband could have closure. If I had known more then I did I would have left that sleeping dog lie, They told my husband, His fathers wife and step kids that there were things that his father had wanted him to have and to this day we have never seen them. I do have to admit my husband tried to mend that bridge but it had been broken too long

[amyers12345]

That took a lot of courage on your husband's behalf. I just can't understand so many parents. I don't know how they can turn on or abandon their children. I think sometimes is just makes for better husbands for us, if that doesn't sound petty. My sister's long term boyfriend has a horrible family too, and DH and he are probably 2 of the best, hard working, self-made men I have ever met. I think it is because they have seen both sides and work hard to keep from turning out like them.

[scrabbler]

I have IL stories!! But won't bore you because they are typical. Last year tho we got the dreaded call...FIL fell over, rushed to hospital and we had to make the hard decision of taking him off life support since he was brain dead. DH didn't want to go. He hadn't talked to father in almost a year. Father had little time for him. I ended up going and waiting in the hospital while dh worked and spent time with our children. The stories I heard them reminisce about ticked me off more. They never spent time with their only grandchildren, our children, but there was a little girl, a brothers grandchild that called our childrens grandfather, grandfather....apparently he loved spending time with her...but never spent any time with ours.

 

Anyway...fil is dead and mil just wants her family around...so what has happened in a year? She has been very selfish and taking...so now we are ignoring her again. It is really sad but we have tried and it hurts my dh. I refuse to watch him be hurt by his remaining parent any longer. I am done.

 

So no Christmas at my IL's. Instead I just have to deal with my own family...which is interesting enough!

[rabx5]

A bottle of Cap'n Morgan or two

[mrn8]

I love my in-laws perspective on gift giving. They are very practical and don't go crazy overboard. My MIL gets me Tupperware (yep, she gets a guy tupperware) and usually a GC to Sears, Home Depot, etc... Her family is small, though, so we get her mom something nice (Digital Camera last year, DVD/VCR Combo another), since she's single and not the type to buy herself nice things. Her brother is a musician and artist, so a bulk pack of guitar strings and some canvas usually is they way we go. Her sister is married with one kid, so we usually get them something the whole family can use in the $50-$100 range.

 

My family is the type that goes overboard with gifts and ends up with quantity over quality, which drives us crazy.

[shanni]

I must be blessed, I get along wonderfully with all of my inlaws, and my husband gets along great with everyone in my entire family.

 

We've had our differences in the past, but we have learned to disagree with each other and move on.

[glitterstarr]

I love my inlaws and I have the best MIL in the world! I guess I am lucky and blessed this time around to have gotten a wonderful MIL because my first MIL was a total witch!

 

I have lived next door to my inlaws for 19 years and have never had a problem with them.

[jenilyn]

With a bottle of Oliver Soft red and an iPod shuffle..... what other way is there?

[shopping mom]

DH's parents are divorced so I have two sets of ILs. However they are bothe great. We get along fine. Of course I see his mom and step dad once or twice a year. We talk on the phone once a month sometimes more depending on what is happening in our lives. Dh's dad and step mom are great too. We see them about once or twice a month and have dinner. Christmas has never been a problem (except for trying to put stuff away the granmas overdo sometimes)

[amyers12345]

Okay, so after all of this, I catch some really good sales at Office Depot, ordered enough gifts for all of them, for about $5 each. Then I go buy gift bags, because they are getting an assortment of things. Today, I hand make my bows and tissue paper for the bags. (10 people)

 

THEN, I am informed that his mom and sisters are headed to Tennessee for Christmas, and his other sister has to work. That just leaves us with his brother and SIL. GRRRR!!!!

[CG480]

If i had to spend $50 on everyone from his parents to brother and sister in laws and there kids I be broke.

I love my husband family no matter what but I could not afford to buy everyone something. and I do not expect them to buy me or the hubby or my kids anything. Just being with family and having a good time is enough.

[Melissa]

How will you deal with your in-laws this season?